Blog entry for:

find impossible to do for myself.
this is one of those readings that i can take a couple of directions, first off the spiritual one, namely that i have to have enough FAITH to walk through life events,for which i believe i lack the skill set. yes, that's correct, allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me, when i do not believe that i can care for myself. that is of course one way of looking at this reading, and i could certainly end it there, HOWEVER, what the reading seems to be saying is something a bit different.
when i was using, and even in recovery, there have been times when i FEARED to make a decision, that i knew was going to make changes ion my life. the decision to get a sponsor, times three, just sort of happened by default, there was very little foresight or planning into any of those decisions. that little fact illustrates that when i got here, and a behavior i am well acquainted with today, was living my life by default: purposefully making the decision, not to make the DECISION. yeah i know that old song by Rush, address this issue head on, but enough of that. when i was in that state, i could blame, the world and the people in it, for the consequences of me not making a decision and taking action to further my cause. i was then a victim and proudly wore my bloody red badge of victim-hood. i then got the chance to make everyone around me miserable, through words and deeds, so i could elevate myself above them, out of the ashes of victim-hood, the phoenix of self-righteous indignation arose, time and again. and so it was…
early recovery was not that much different, but now i had a giant target, the 20th Judicial District and a legion of others who despised their yoke of compliance as well. all of my troubles, including having to be clean and in the rooms of recovery, could be laid at the feet of blind justice and i could feel vindicated by doing the little petty crap i could get away with and cry in my coffee about how awful life under their aegis was. where was GOD on the day those detectives walked into my workplace, and how could HE have done this to me! and so my self-manufactured misery guided the course of my decision making for over eighteen months of my clean time, and over and over again,m i refused to decide, and whined about the consequences that fell upon me like a hard rain. i hardly recognized any of that as a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and yet i saw that as i learned to make decisions, to make life changes, such as running away from unhealthy and toxic relationships, i got to choose my consequences and take responsibility for my life.
this reading then takes on a different significance, when seen in that light. what i get today is the gift of making a choice, and when i FEAR the change of making that choice i can live in the FAITH, that choice will be made. i can either accept the consequences of not choosing, or choose my own. despite the fact that i have permission to live my life by default, if one dig under the surface of this reading, i choose not to. i need not wait for events to happen by themselves, unless i choose to, but making that choice, i can rest assured that the POWER that fuels my recovery, has my figurative back, even though the outcome may be distasteful to me in the short-run.
speaking of choices, i choose to wrap this up and get headed on down the road. it is a great day to be clean and i CHOOSE to live a life in active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞