Blog entry for:

is never far from me and my recovery is strengthened by change in my life.
so a friend asked me if anything was wrong with me after the meeting last night, i had to think a second and said i was good but tired. which was the truth, i did run 6 miles yesterday as well as having three days off from my full-time gig. during my 10th step last night i stumbled across a twist on that. deep down, or maybe not so deep, what i am seeing is a growing discontent with what is going on in and around me. the symptoms are being expresed, with me shutting down in meetings, with the excuse, that if i share, it will contribute to the problem and not the solution. i am allowing myself to be victimized by something that is within my power to change, ME!
i know change within, only comes from the source of my recovery, namely the POWER that fuels my recovery, in fact, now that i think about it, i did not ask that POWER for the power i NEED, before i started my day. BRB
ah much better, it is good thing that i am not driving yes, there is a storm brweing within me. i dreamt last night that i became two people, Raoul my evil twin, the epitome of the addict within and just me boring and stuck in a recovery program that looks real good but is not going anywhere. Raoul owned a bar, where there were no rules and he played the same game as his cutomers, using at will, taking advantage of situations and doing whatever he pleased to meet the needs of instant gratification. the other part, well he just muddled through, barely surviving and not getting any better. as Freud once said, “sometmes a cigar is just a cigar.”
when i woke up this morning, the feelings of being Raoul were still strong, and yes there is a part of me, the addcit within, who still desires that sort of life. what i am taking away from what is just a silly dream, is that i am still an addict, and my desire to use, can be set off by the the tiniest events or even non-events in my life. what i heard in the meeting last night was a theme that recovery depended on outside influences, making connections to others, being in a relationship and that addiction was some alien being was trying to destroy them. as i sit here this morning what i am getting is that being rebellious about change is threatening my recovery. i thought about some members who were not doing what they committed to,and i see myself in that very same boat. my commitment to my personal growth is falling by the wayside, and as it does, i begin to entertain the strangest notions, such as the whole idea that addiction is not me, therefore since i am not responsible for being an addict, i can defeat that alien being through sheer force of will. just writing that, i see the absurdity of that whole notion. addiction is part of me, not a force from Planet 9. i am responsible for my growth and my recovery, not someone or something else. Raoul is just the ultimate expression of my addict within, he is what i can and will return to, and although it was a romantic dream, it will be my fate if i continue to wait for some sort of sign that it is time to swallow the bitter pill of my languishing step work. only ther more than likely i will not be the man with a bar full of hedonists, but the junkie behind the dumpster dying bit by bit with every use.
what does this have to do with having some FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery has my back? why everything of course, it is just up to me, to take the next step and allow that POWER to do ITs gig. so will i write tonight? who knows, i just know i am tied of feeling the way i am feeling and there is no getting around the treatment for that, writng my step work and moving on in my program of recovery. time to shut down and relax as i get ready to face a busy day at work, it is after all a good day to be clean!

∞ DT ∞