Blog entry for:

in my recovery because i am afraid, or unwilling to move along into the next phase of my life journey. some of the time, as i sit in meetings, i hear my peers sharing what seems to be the same thing, over and over and over and over again, like some sort of broken record. i wonder to myself, if they are that miserable, why do they not do something else. yes, that certainly is a judgement kicking in, BUT in this case it allows me to look at my own life and my own recovery. before i get rolling, it is ironic that this year, once again, i got caught up on the misuse of the verb “can” and was quite willing to share about the difference between “have the ability to,” and “have the desire to.” today i have both the ability and the desire to do something different, if i truly want something different.
when my judgement machine gets cranked into high gear by something i hear from one or more of my peers, i have to look at why it is hitting so close to home. for me, the default motivation for judging the recovery of others, is that for one reason or another i feel mine is less valuable, less practical or less spiritual. i often feel as if i am stuck, when i am actually going through a change that scare the living crap out of me and i am holding on to what i already know, for dear life. yes, for me, the familiar pain, is often less frightening than the unknown bit of growth that may be occurring. my judgement of my peers, gets me to turn my ever critical gaze, away form myself, and distract myself from what is really going on. case in point, this seemingly interminable FIRST STEP. what may appear to my peers as being stuck, feels to like, just where i need to be. although there certainly is more than a bit of trepidation as i examine how my newish spiritual outlook is going to fit into the larger scheme of my ongoing recovery, i do have the willingness to move forward and have started writing about my unmanageable life. the urgency to race through this step, just is not there and the angst i feel, is not because the step is working me over, it is, but because in my mind's eye as i compare myself to my peers, i am not working it fast enough, hard enough or with enough diligence, hence i am “stuck.” once again, my character defects are kicked into over drive and i am stuck beating myself up for a fantasy, instead of allowing the process to happen. there is no denial here, i am not as well as i would desire, as is evidenced by the false humility that has been creeping back into my shares. i got called out by one of my peers the other night for saying i have a “few days” clean. he was correct, and i see that i am trying to make myself approachable again, at least in my mind, by minimizing the depth of my clean time. if i am going to share about days clean, perhaps i need to say “several thousand” days clean, which is certainly honest. of course, why say anything at all, because when i think of sharing that particular fact, it feels egotistical and elitist, preaching directly to my choir of character defects.
where am i today? hurting from my over ambitious workout two days ago, and spinning about the direction the time i spent with a sponsee took, yesterday morning. i called him out on what his 9TH step really meant, in terms of moving forward and as a result of taking mine seriously again. the changes i am manifesting in my life in regards to my financial and physical fitness are finally catching up to the new look of my spiritual fitness as a result of my last set of steps. perhaps i am overthinking this stuff or maybe i am just too freaking scared to move on. i can say that without a doubt, i am not uncomfortable and i am not twisting and turninmg about what i have power over today. being okay with where i am, is a new sort of feeling and one that i am enjoying, so perhaps, instead of fretting about my lack of diligence, i should enjoy the moment and let the need to change fill me with the desire in need to move on down the road.

∞ DT ∞