Blog entry for:

in my life can be frightening, change is like that, no matter how inevitable and desirable it may be. what stood out for me in the reading this morning is what that agent of change may be. as i sat down and listened this morning i got a sense of where my FEAR may be preventing m,e from moving forward. as i got up and started going through my morning routine, what i kept coming back to is how i arrived at the place in my physical fitness routine where i had to force myself to take a week off. it is not as if i am saying that GOD tripped me on Saturday, causing my fall. or that a HIGHER POWER tweaked the ligaments and tendons that comprise my left foot, to do so would violate the FAITH i have started to accumulate. what i am saying that the physical injuries i have are finally getting me to notice the extent of my obsession and it is my FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery, that allows me to step back, breathe and allow a bit of time to heal. even after just two days, i am so ready to get active again that i have to stop and ask for the power to allow myself to heal.
i am certainly one of those sort of people, who does not relish assigning blame to myself for what occurs in my life. the consequences of over-training are upon me and yet taking the reading at face value i could wail and gnash my teeth and blame GOD for making me so weak and feeble that i could not continue to keep up the pace i have set for myself. what i needed to do is to step out of the paradigm that i am blameless for everything and that any consequences are just not fair. that story has been part and parcel of who i am for so long, i believe it and never look for evidence to the contrary. the story of nothing being my fault is quite familiar and without a doubt one of the most powerful ones in my repertoire. the notion of GOD doing for me, plays so well into that story, that with a bit of creative editing, i can do nothing to foster change in my life and what needs to happen just will, after all i am far less powerful than GOD.
how does one recover from the lies one tells oneself? for me, it starts with looking at those stories and seeing what the f#ck they are protecting. when i do a deep dive i can see quite plainly that deflecting and assigning blame, is part of bolstering my self-esteem. the story is that my self image cannot accept the damage sustained by owning responsibility for my lack of action. it also repeats the lie that i cannot fade the heat of making a “poor or ill-advised” decision, even after a few days clean. moving into this day, i can decide to take a bit more responsibility to be an agent of change in my life and do what i can to “fix” what i need to fix and let GOD take care of the rest.

∞ DT ∞