Blog entry for:

impossible to do for myself.
quite honestly, as much as i do not like change or taking the heat for decisions i make, i really cringe every time i think about the POWER that fuels my recovery making these sort of decisions for me. once upon a time, i was incapable of making any choices, and was locked into the tyranny of the default. other people, and life itself, seemed to force me into places i did not want to be, and yet IF i did not decide on my own, i could and did disavow any responsibility in the outcome. back in those days my favorite refrain was; “Oh God, why does this shite always happen to me!?” when comes to the topic of this reading, God will do for me, what i cannot or will not do for myself, i get more than a bit rattled, as that often feels like dropping back into the default mode of allowing the world and life to decide what my course will be today. before i go any further, i guess i need to expand upon the notion of what it was like, so there is a bit of context to what is like now.
in active addiction, i considered myself “easy-going” and spontaneous, when what i really was, was fear ridden and indecisive.
in early recovery? i was very controlling and rigid. instead of accepting how powerless i was, i attempted top grab every iota of power i could see, and clasp it tight to my chest. no i was not about to allow God to do for me any more, after all it was God and not me that got my life into such a mess.
through the step working process and a few days of doing this gig, just for today, i have come to the place of somewhere in between. sure i can be riddled by fear and refuse to decide. i have certainly not forgotten how to attempt to micro-manage my life either. i choose to live somewhere in between, and look at my decision-making process as just that a process. sometimes it takes microseconds, other times, well BOOM, in those times the POWER that fuels my recovery does seem to make the decision for me.
today, i am okay with that, in fact i am right now in the middle of a decision that i probably need to make in the next 72 hours, of whether or not i want to to take on one more sponsee. generally, i say yes, as i have the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, may actually be looking out for me in this respect. so far the evidence has supported that supposition. in this case, however, i have strong personal feelings about the man, and my hesitance is based on that fact. i have him judged and i believe that all that i am seeing is an act to play on my so-called “positive” attributes and the spiritual principles i have implemented in my life. in short, i do not trust him and wonder if my trust is really required to be a sponsor. the cynic that is me, also wonders if i can set aside my judgements, prejudice and bias, when it comes to him, and truly offer him a sponsor that can guide him from the brink of active addiction. a little bit of him, a little bit of me, and here i am stuck in the middle between the clowns and the jokers, trying to do my best to shut off my head, and feel my way through. well, i am here to report, that process seems to be stymied at shutting off my head. the nice part is, i still have a bit of time. all i have to do is remember that IF i do not decide, i have made a choice as well, and that choice may not be to my liking. to date, i have been good about setting aside my personal feelings ans doing a few nice things for him, but that is easy given the set current of circumstances. soon that may all be tossed into the air, and i will have to make that decision.
oh well, i can fret and worry and i will be so grateful that i did, or i can just let go, be easy-going in this respect and see what comes to me, as i am quite certain it will. today, at least in this respect, i am quite willing to wait and see what happens and when i NEED to, awake the decision that i the best one for me. after all, this IS all about me!

∞ DT ∞