Blog entry for:

or unwilling to let go of the **what is** and work towards the **what may be,** is certainly a recurrent theme in my life, even after a minute or so clean. of course, time and again, i have been driven to my knees by living in the pain of being “stuck” and desiring to do a “down and dirty” foxhole prayer to a HIGHER POWER that is not part of my spiritual path. what i “took” as i sat this morning, was that my FAITH in my ability to discern the next correct thing to do, was hampered by my FEAR of what may lay on the other side of that decision.
it seems that no matter how many steps i have recently worked, no matter how long i have been clean, or no matter where i am at in my spiritual condition, there are decisions that i am still waiting to be made by someone of something else, so i have a place to shift the blame, if i do not find the consequences to be to my liking. those echoes of self-doubt, that riddle me from time to time, hold me back from becoming the person that i have always wanted to be. the FEAR of my “brokenness” being uncovered by my friends, my peers, my family members and society in general, still play a HUGE part in my daily life, even if i have been given permission to see that for the lie it is. letting go of what was, feels harder than letting go of what is and as i attempt to reconcile the what was with the what may come, i get dizzy spinning between FEAR and FAITH and losing all sense of direction.
dealing with the events in the distant past as i brought my Dad home to die, has given a place to start from and it is not a very comfortable place at all. forgiving, while not forgetting, cause a bit of stress. the focus of my journey towards wholeness is now on forgiving myself for taking an isolated incident, an event as it were, and creating a story that placed the blame on myself, for that moment of humiliation and pain. i took on the identity of not being to save myself from pain and suffering, and yet i felt pain and i certainly suffered. today, i know that right here and right now, i GET to be a be a person who can be true to himself and let go of what once was and be in the what is now. on that thought, it is time to hit the streets and get some of my steps in, for this very busy day.

∞ DT ∞