Blog entry for:

for me what i will not do for myself.
alright, i had to make a slight adjustment to my seed. sure it is a matter of semantics and grammar, but it is one that has always bothered me, the substitution of the word “can” for “will”. can simply means i have the ability to, as will indicates certainty. most of the examples provided in the reading are situations that i do have the power and the ability to change, and i choose not to, for one reason or another. FEAR of changing and the consequences of making those changes, is usually the driving force. it would seem to me, that the reading is suggesting that i live in the the FAITH, that IF i do nothing, those changes will happen, of their own accord, because of the action of GOD.
living by default, is not something i am not very satisfied doing these days. even if i had total FAITH, that the decisons i will not make for my life, will be made by a loving HIGHER POWER and be for the better. the fact whether i have that sort of FAITH or not, is hardly relevant in this discussion. allowing myself to fall into that trap is return to living my life by default: allowing decisions to be made for me by the events in my life, rather than using the little bit of power i do have.
that life, when i was using was an excellent adventure, as i bore none of the responsibility for what occurred in my life. if i was tired in a relationship and she left me, BOOM it was that b1tch's fault. if i got fired, well they were a piece of shite company to work for anyhow. the litany of diverting my responsibility in not making decisions goes on and on. in recovery, at least through the first hew thousand days, very little in this realm, was altered. i still desired to abdicate responsibility for making decisions and worked very diligently at doing so.
it was not until my third set of steps, and yes i am an advocate of multiple step cycles, that i finally made a decision to stop living my life by default and take some real responsibility for my life and my recovery. i had always, up to that time, fallen back to the words of the THIRD STEP and my notions of a HIGHER POWER, that bordered on “Santa Claus” rather than a senior partner in my recovery process. deciding to decide, was one of those milestones in my recovery, that has affected everything i have done since. of course it would be nice to say, that once i made that decision, i instantly and completely implemented it in my life. the fact is, i still am working through the consequences of making that particular decision.
it is no wonder, why there are time i take great exception to the misuse of language. it is just as i told a peer yesterday, using language to hide something that is ugly, or difficult to speak about, does nothing to take its power away. telling myself that i lack the ability to make a certain decision, when it is actually that i lack the desire, is in a similar vein. there are certainly decisions that i cannot make, what they are, i cannot say at this time, as i lack the ability to define and enumerate them.
what i do know and am comfortable about, is that today, i have decided to stay clean and do whatever it takes to make that happen. i have decided, just for today, to be present in my life and listen and look for opportunities to serve those who happen across me in the course of my daily travels. both of those decision are in concordance with the will of my concept of a HIGHER POWER and will certainly lead to a chain of consequential decisions, big and small, as i step out of the comfort of my home and into the real world. on that note i think i will wrap this up and see how this day plays out.

∞ DT ∞