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will do for me what i cannot do for myself. the question therefore becomes, what exactly can i do for myself? as i sat listening for the voice of GOD as it were this morning, i came to a place, where what i heard was about living my life by default, and the words of a Rush tune echoed in my head: “when you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice!”
i know, been here done that, got the T-shirt, time to move on. i will in just a minute, however, the point, at least in my head, still needs to be made, change will happen! the choice i get to make, today, is am i going to be a party to that, or will i juts let it roll on as it will. it feels like when i am active in my recovery program, i am part of that change, and when i slack? well change just happens and it feels like i just got steamrolled. so where does letting a HIGHER POWER do for me, come into play here? where does self-will end and true will take over? those questions, although rhetorical, do deserve a bit of my attention this morning. as i have stated in the past, i am not a believer in FATE or anything that smacks superstitiously of not having any choice. there have been times in my life, however, where when i refused to make a choice, one was made for me. many times they were for the worse, especially in active addiction. to be fair, when i was using, avoiding decisions and their consequences was one of the things i was all about. that way, there was always something else to blame, when things did not work out, and when they did, well grabbing the glory, loudly and boastfully, just seemed to be the next right thing to do.
early recovery, was not all that much different, after all my REAL HIGHER POWER, was the 20th judicial district, and they made all sorts of decisions for me, that i was not a party to. life was a whole lot easier, because i could be their victim and wail and gnash my teeth about how unfair i thought it was, i mean seriously 12 weekends in jail for a little blow, get real! it took time and a paradigm shift for me to start to get something different, because quite honestly i loved being the victim and blame shifting. so i certainly see the irony, when i start complaining about those who share about what victims they are in the meetings i attend.
it took about five years for me to start to wake up, and it was one of my former sponsees, who finally opened my eyes, or at least gave me a clue about what was going on. he never quite got that he was worth anything and was forever the victim of this and that, and yes i used to commiserate with him, ad nauseum. when he finally came to the conclusion, i could not give him what he wanted, and we had been moving in different directions for a bit of time, he petulantly marched off to find someone else. me, i was pissed as well, but the next set of steps brought to my attention, the very example of what this reading was talking about. i had considered suggesting that he move on, and yet hesitated for all sorts of reasons. was it the POWER that fuels my recovery, or my own passive-aggressive behavior that finally flipped the switch? that is a chicken and egg argument, that i have no desire or time to delve into this morning. what i did learn from the whole situation and what i carry forward today, is that if i listen to my heart, i know what to do next, and if i choose to avoid making that choice, one will be made for me. that does not mean i go through life forcing my will on everything and everyone, it just means that i listen to what is going on, and make the choices i am presented with, on a daily basis. i then, let go of the outcome and accept that no matter what it looks like, more than likely, nothing is fVcked here.
on that note, i think i will head on over to work and see what today does bring, oh yeah, i will allow myself the freedom to choose, as i no longer desire being a victim anymore.

∞ DT ∞