Blog entry for:

to remind myself that i can cease fighting at any time. as you may have surmised by my obvious hack job on the original quote, i am not a big fan of the topic. in truth, there i have a whole love hate relationship with the topic of surrender. when i was growing up and throughout my active addiction, surrender was something only the weak did. the only place where surrendering and going with the flow seemed to pay off was white water rafting. in that sport, i discovered that working hard to thwart the river almost always ended up badly. however, when i surrendered to the power of the river, and used my energy wisely to make slight alteration in my course and pull back only when i needed to, i found that disaster happened less, the trip was more fun and all in all it was a better experience for all involved. in short, brute force very rarely triumphed over white water.
with that in mind, why would i try and fight this life process or even worse my ongoing recovery process. life is no less dangerous than rafting, it has it calm water and raging class V rapids, and yet i still fall back on my conditioning that only the strong survive and the strong fight to the bitter end, NEVER conceding defeat and accepting terms for surrender. that was my mindset when i finally came to recovery just over 5000 days ago, and it still lingers within, raising its ugly head at the least opportune moments. there is after all, that very first surrender, which may not have been to the principles of the program of recovery that i find myself safely ensconced within today, but it was a surrender nevertheless. it took a bit of time until i accumulated enough evidence to surrender to the program, and even that was only because i saw no other alternative. with a history like that it is no wonder that i have to do a bit of spin to surrender what i need to surrender today. oh yeah, i am also at the end of my latest THIRD STEP, which actually requires turning over my will and my life, or at least making that decision to do so. i, however digress. what i was starting to write about is how i have to spin the concept of surrender in my own head to make it palatable for me. the whole thought of surrender meaning giving up, sends shivers down my spine, so instead in use a semantically different definition: to cease fighting. when i stop fighting, i can accept what is happening and move on, and it in no way means that am giving up. that may lead to trouble in the future, but for me, it is all about the here and now, and IF i can stop fighting the process, the changes the process is implementing in me and the world around me, my life becomes so much easier. as the reading plainly states the pain of change is almost always less than the pain i incur when i resist that change. so if it takes a semantic trick to get me to do what is in my best interest, than so be it, this too shall pass as the bromide assures me.
anyhow, today? well i think i will let go and let the POWER that fuels my recovery take care of me. next on my agenda is a brisk walk so i get the benefits of exercise and body gets yet another day to heal the insults that i have piled upon it over the past 28 days. it is a good day to recover and yes <GASP> surrender to the principles that make this life possible for me.

∞ DT ∞