Blog entry for:

that i DO NOT need to fight anymore.
this morning, after a day of facing some very major decisions and helping at least one sponsee through his current phase of being powerless, i can certainly understand the whole concept of surrender. yesterday morning, we woke up to a very sick dawg. dawgs eat the wrong stuff all the time and get sick, it is certainly the nature of our little beast Lucy. this time, however it was different. in the past when she was throwing up or had diarrhea, she acted as if nothing was wrong, save the fact that she could not control her bodily functions. yesterday was different, she was lethargic, and way too subdued. my thoughts was it was once again something she ate and that this too shall pass, as it has done in the past. after all day, and her not being able to even hold down water, and the way she was shaking, we made the decision to take her to the emergency vet clinic, yes the same one that i took Odin to almost three years ago. even then i was certain that there was nothing wrong, but i had finally surrendered to the fact that she was not getting any better, in fact she was getting worse and needed something more than waiting it out, doing nothing was no longer an option that i chose to exercise. it became one of the worse nights in recent history as she ended up having a bowel obstruction, wait for it, from something she ate. the short story was that at 2:00 AM we made the decision to allow the vet to do an exploratory surgery and at 5:30 or so, we got a call from the vet that she had indeed found something and they had removed it. in my semi-conscious state, i did not hang up the phone so it was 7:30 after i finally work up, that i got the news. yes, she appears to be fine, she is recovering from her surgery and when i finish this, i will go to the animal hospital and see her to let her know that her pack is still here for her. thank you for all the wishes on FaceBook, those who were checking their news feed last night. all in all, quite a lesson for me. not in the sense of powerlessness, but in the my interesting trip through the calculus of pet ownership.
not having any children, it was a difficult journey. when Odin got sick and got to be set free from his suffering i thought i had this equation all worked out. he was terminal, and the thought of him dieing all alone, in an empty house, at any time, was far too much for me to bear. the calculus there was do i end his suffering in the company of his beloved pack, or do i selfishly hang on to him, until the inevitable occurred. for him there was no future, the solution to that equation was quite clear, take what power i had and let his suffering end, regardless of how much it hurt him. yes i am tearing up as i write this, as that pain has not left me, only faded into the background. Lucy however is not Odin. her condition would have been just as fatal and the decision we had to make l\in the very early hours this morning was do we release her from her pain by ending her life, or do we make the financial sacrifice to save her life and keep her a part of our lives.
trust me, i now know that dawg surgery is not cheap!
yes this whole affair opened up so very old wounds, and selfishly i went directly to open her up and see if she can be saved. the conversation with the love of my life was not a pleasant one, and even though i had already made up my mind, she asked me, “what would i do if it was Odin?”
i told her i would have made the same decision, save his life, or at least try to. as i sit here this morning, i understand why some pet owners. spend all kinds of money to save old pets, even though they are suffering on a daily basis, the pain of not doing anything or even worse ending their lives, justifies going into all sorts of debt, at least in their heads. me, i now know that equation is not solved and each time it rears its ugly head i will once again have to dig deep and decide that if i can stand to be parted from a my furry four-legged love one, or do whatever i can to extend their life. it will always come down to, what will the quality of life be for the creature that loves and trusts me, unconditionally. today, i am hoping that in the dark of the night we made the correct decision and she will recover and be a part of our lives for quite some time in the future. i know that just for today, i did what i could do, and the end result is out of my hands. today i surrender to the fact that dawgs will be dawgs and this one likes to eat things she shouldn't ought to. i will resolve to be vigilant to what she is chewing on and when we bring her home, give her all the love i can, as i almost lost her and would have, had i not finally surrender to the fact that sometimes dawgs do NEED professional help as well. time to make the call to set up the visit and let her know we are here for her, in whatever sense she has about that. it is a good day to be clean and to be present for my life.

∞ DT ∞