Blog entry for:

as one might be able to tell by reading my previous musings, the word surrender still is anathema to me. way back in the dark ages of my recovery, my second sponse had me open up a huge unabridged dictionary and pick the definition of surrender, that fit me the best. his theory was that if i could find a definition to “substitute” for that term, i would be able to move towards surrendering without compromise. it may not have quite worked out that way, but when i stumble over this concept, i can ask myself whether or not this is a fight i might be able to win and if it is, is it worth the effort and the consequences? for the most part, i am unwilling to accept those consequences, even if it is a fight worth winning. back in the day, every fight was worth winning and the number of relationships i slaughtered and left to die along the roadside would make Pol Pot smirk a bit.
today, as the day of reckoning approaches about my melanoma, i am doing my best to let go of what might be in that black box and act as if it is Schrödinger' Cat, until that box is opened and looked at, i am perfectly healthy and good to go. worrying about the outcome of those consultations gets me nowhere, and is far from healthy for me, today. the cat exists, its current state is unknown and will remain so, until tomorrow. in the meantime i can go enjoy a cigar or two with a friend. i can be okay living in a state of no knowledge and from there being comfortable about not going down the rabbit hole of “what-ifs.” as of right now, i am planning on hiking two or three 14ers next week and letting the medical professionals suggest what they believe to be my best course of action.
just for today, i will be okay with not fighting my desire to know more, even when that is not possible. i will stop fighting my desire to change my feelings and just be okay with whatever comes down the pike. most of all, i will be grateful that at least i have a life worth living and i am worthy of living it.

∞ DT ∞