โฅ when i am beaten, i become willing โฅ
Posted: Mon, Jun 23, 2014 07:56:49 AM
the trick or the rub for me, is admitting that i have been beaten. after all, it took nearly two years after i stopped using to finally admit that i was powerless over drugs and much longer to come to the realization that it was NOT drugs i was powerless over, it was and still is: addiction. why did it take so long, even after i got clean and started a program of recovery? there are a whole lot of reasons, and as i run through them in my head,. they sound more like rationalizations and justifications , rather than explanations, so i will settle, yes settle, on the mind-set of: “it is what it is!”
today, i would love to see, that when i am whupped, i admit it, surrender and move on. yes, i would like to say that. the truth is i still fight to the very end, admitting that i am whupped does not come easy for me, and perhaps it never will. case in point: there are a Walmart couple, who believe that our neighborhood is their personal campground and have decided to park their monstrosity of a “home away from home” on our streets rather than the local Walmart. it certainly is quieter on our streets, and the stench of their diesel generator permeates the streets. for two days i have wondered how i could let them know that not only are they not welcomes here, that they are self-entitled a$$hole freeloaders, who are leeching off the hard work of the neighborhood residents. all sorts of monkey-fVcking ideas came to mind, reminding me of when i was a rebellious teenager and could mess up someone's life, without breaking or destroying anything. you know, like letting the air out of tires, or a bit of shaving cream message on the windshield. in the end? well i asked the POWER that fuels my recovery to take away my obsession with these a$$holes and allow me to live on. as a parting shot i chanted my dissatisfaction through their open windows as i ran past their stinky little palace, yesterday morning. of course as it is Monday and the code cops are back at work, they are gone again, but today, when they come back, i know that surrender is the key here. they hare clueless about to the fact that they suck, and in all probability believe they are better than parking in the Walmart lot or actually paying to park their beast, so me fretting over and plotting their destruction is so pointless and fruitless, that the time has more than come to let go and see what happens. surrender to the fact that not only do they believe they are “camping,” they believe they have a “right” to park on any public street they choose to, however, if they return perhaps i will match fire with fire and go enjoy a cigar outside their window, after all i am entitled to smoke tobacco outside in public spaces…
anyhow, it is time to get rolling on over to work and see what i can get done today.
today, i would love to see, that when i am whupped, i admit it, surrender and move on. yes, i would like to say that. the truth is i still fight to the very end, admitting that i am whupped does not come easy for me, and perhaps it never will. case in point: there are a Walmart couple, who believe that our neighborhood is their personal campground and have decided to park their monstrosity of a “home away from home” on our streets rather than the local Walmart. it certainly is quieter on our streets, and the stench of their diesel generator permeates the streets. for two days i have wondered how i could let them know that not only are they not welcomes here, that they are self-entitled a$$hole freeloaders, who are leeching off the hard work of the neighborhood residents. all sorts of monkey-fVcking ideas came to mind, reminding me of when i was a rebellious teenager and could mess up someone's life, without breaking or destroying anything. you know, like letting the air out of tires, or a bit of shaving cream message on the windshield. in the end? well i asked the POWER that fuels my recovery to take away my obsession with these a$$holes and allow me to live on. as a parting shot i chanted my dissatisfaction through their open windows as i ran past their stinky little palace, yesterday morning. of course as it is Monday and the code cops are back at work, they are gone again, but today, when they come back, i know that surrender is the key here. they hare clueless about to the fact that they suck, and in all probability believe they are better than parking in the Walmart lot or actually paying to park their beast, so me fretting over and plotting their destruction is so pointless and fruitless, that the time has more than come to let go and see what happens. surrender to the fact that not only do they believe they are “camping,” they believe they have a “right” to park on any public street they choose to, however, if they return perhaps i will match fire with fire and go enjoy a cigar outside their window, after all i am entitled to smoke tobacco outside in public spaces…
anyhow, it is time to get rolling on over to work and see what i can get done today.
∞ DT ∞