Blog entry for:

open-mindedness, or willingness; the litany of what i was not, when i walked into the rooms, could go on, and on and on. thankfully, i need not make that list of 100 or more ways i was not part of my recovery effort this morning. no today i can cease fighting and admit what was obvious to most of my peers, way back when: i was not a volunteer in the rooms, i was a VICTIM!
i know how crazy that sounds, but in my struggles to avoid recovery, hell even avoid abstinence i continually cast myself in the role of the victim, victimized by the justice system, society, my parents, my acquaintances, GOD, the weather and my genes. hell, being in the rooms, was not something i was going to ever surrender to, and i fought it for a very long time. in fact it was nearly two years after my first meeting, before i finally ceased fighting and became a member. even though the desire to use had been gone for nearly a year, i was certain that it was me, that was the cause of that, and i did not need no stinkin' God-based fellowship. ironically, it was the fact that i behaved like those i saw in the fellowship for long enough, that when the time came, and i needed a bit of strength to stay clean, because of the idiotic situation i put myself in, i got it. because i had been around and been forced to be abstinent, i already had in place what many newcomers come in looking for, a support network and FAITH, that maybe this program could and would work. my little foray into the insanity i have been creating lately is a perfect example. when i finally chose to cease fighting and admit some people are just self-centered pricks, all of a sudden my path became clear. it was not really all about them after all, it was me that was creating my insanity, especially expecting more from someone who is currently incapable of seeing beyond the end of their physical reach. so it goes, been there, done that and yes i have several 'T' shirts. as long as what i desired was within my reach: respect, social connections and respect, i was good and i did not need the steps, a sponsor, or spiritual principles, except to look good. i know all about looking good, and although i would tell you out loud and with great vigor that my motives were pure, they were in fact not at all. these days when someone tells me that, immediately wonder if, like me, they are hiding the fact that they may be using everything they can from outside to fill the hole left by addiction.
yes, it was not until that final first surrender, until i willing to let go of my self image, start a journey from arrogance and self-obsession and find the path to humility. it is true as a sponsee once and always says, if i say i am humble, that is what i am not. the beauty of that statement is, that for me, just for today i do not =have to pretend to be what i am not. i am okay with the way my body looks. i am okay with my social standing and the amount of material things i have. i can be respectful, kind and considerate, even when no one is keeping track. most importantly, no one i keeping score and if they are, i do not care, as i have no need to be forgiven for my sins, missteps and mistakes on a daily basis. it is true i will make them, but i need not revel in that fact and say , oh well, let me make this a learning experience. i may be a whole lot of things, but i know what i am not these days, a using addict. the rest, is well as that same sponsee is fond of saying, just gravy. it is after all a good day to seek a path to humility and perhaps i will find the serenity i seek along the way.

∞ DT ∞