๐ณ giving up my illusions ๐ณ
Posted: Sat, Jun 23, 2018 08:43:21 AM
that i have the ability to control much of anything, that is what surrender means to me today.
i have to admit, that my entry yesterday was more than a bit terse. accepting life as it is and surrender are so inextricably entwined that i really did not regret posting the little ditty that i did yesterday. the fact of the matter is, i saw surrender was the topic in a fit of just for tomorrow and went with the notion that what i did not touch upon yesterday, i would take up today.
to be very clear at least for me, the whole acceptance process begins with surrender move through tolerance and finally after much rejoicing becomes acceptance. some of the time, that process happens so quickly it is as if i moved straight through to acceptance. other times it is so painfully slow, that it takes months, perhaps years, even decades to arrive at a place of acceptance. DESIRE is often what gets in the way of surrender for me, and DESIRE is often the governor of how quickly i move through to acceptance. more than a few examples pop to the top of the stack and the one that seems to be most often the cause of my unwillingness to surrender is my DESIRE to look good in the eyes of my peers and all who happen across my path on a daily basis. that DESIRE kept me from my spiritual path for nearly seventeen years. that DESIRE keeps me from being who i am when i share, cultivating my need to ALWAYS share on the shocking and rather dark side of recovery. that DESIRE prevents me from surrendering to the fact that even though i am an addict and will remain so, until the day i shuffle of this mortal coil, maybe i am just different enough to… on and on it goes, i concoct extreme fantasies that can never become reality and then whine about how unfair life is, where is the fVcking justice and how can i possibly go on in the face of this fierce resistance to HOW i DESIRE my world to be shaped.
]ah, but acceptance is the end result and it is surrender that primes that pump. today, i can surrender to a whole lot of realities and dismiss the “fake news” and “alternate facts” that i manufacture non-stop. the FACT of the matter is, i can surrender to the fact that i am sixty-one years old and may never regain the ability to run a 10K in less than 50 minutes. the fact is, i have neglected and abused my body for years and may end up with type II diabetes. the fact is, i get paid very well and a company looking to hire me, might just balk at paying me my current salary. surrendering to each and every one of those facts is fine, but surrendering to them does not need to make them self-fulfilling prophecies. yes a sub-50 10K may not be achievable, but i can continue to honor and esteem myself by continuing my fitness regime and learning to live with fewer carbohydrates in my life. i can work on my employment fitness by learning how to code with the latest and greatest, instead of gaming my spare time away. and on and on, each fact of my life that might be limiting, and there are many, provides me thew opportunity to surrender ⇛ tolerate ⇛ accept what is and look for the means, not to change those facts but to overcome them.
this morning i am grateful for the opportunity to be okay with who i am and where i might be going, and maybe, if i work at surrendering across the course of my day, i may be released from my need to control the world around me, just for today.
i have to admit, that my entry yesterday was more than a bit terse. accepting life as it is and surrender are so inextricably entwined that i really did not regret posting the little ditty that i did yesterday. the fact of the matter is, i saw surrender was the topic in a fit of just for tomorrow and went with the notion that what i did not touch upon yesterday, i would take up today.
to be very clear at least for me, the whole acceptance process begins with surrender move through tolerance and finally after much rejoicing becomes acceptance. some of the time, that process happens so quickly it is as if i moved straight through to acceptance. other times it is so painfully slow, that it takes months, perhaps years, even decades to arrive at a place of acceptance. DESIRE is often what gets in the way of surrender for me, and DESIRE is often the governor of how quickly i move through to acceptance. more than a few examples pop to the top of the stack and the one that seems to be most often the cause of my unwillingness to surrender is my DESIRE to look good in the eyes of my peers and all who happen across my path on a daily basis. that DESIRE kept me from my spiritual path for nearly seventeen years. that DESIRE keeps me from being who i am when i share, cultivating my need to ALWAYS share on the shocking and rather dark side of recovery. that DESIRE prevents me from surrendering to the fact that even though i am an addict and will remain so, until the day i shuffle of this mortal coil, maybe i am just different enough to… on and on it goes, i concoct extreme fantasies that can never become reality and then whine about how unfair life is, where is the fVcking justice and how can i possibly go on in the face of this fierce resistance to HOW i DESIRE my world to be shaped.
]ah, but acceptance is the end result and it is surrender that primes that pump. today, i can surrender to a whole lot of realities and dismiss the “fake news” and “alternate facts” that i manufacture non-stop. the FACT of the matter is, i can surrender to the fact that i am sixty-one years old and may never regain the ability to run a 10K in less than 50 minutes. the fact is, i have neglected and abused my body for years and may end up with type II diabetes. the fact is, i get paid very well and a company looking to hire me, might just balk at paying me my current salary. surrendering to each and every one of those facts is fine, but surrendering to them does not need to make them self-fulfilling prophecies. yes a sub-50 10K may not be achievable, but i can continue to honor and esteem myself by continuing my fitness regime and learning to live with fewer carbohydrates in my life. i can work on my employment fitness by learning how to code with the latest and greatest, instead of gaming my spare time away. and on and on, each fact of my life that might be limiting, and there are many, provides me thew opportunity to surrender ⇛ tolerate ⇛ accept what is and look for the means, not to change those facts but to overcome them.
this morning i am grateful for the opportunity to be okay with who i am and where i might be going, and maybe, if i work at surrendering across the course of my day, i may be released from my need to control the world around me, just for today.
∞ DT ∞