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not surrendering, is certainly the root cause of nearly all of the pain i experience these days. oh sure, there is physical pain due to overdoing my physical fitness program and there is emotional pain of the loss of friends and loved ones. the former i could eliminate by doing less, the latter, only by finding the ways and means to suppress my feelings, which i choose not to do today. even after a minute clean, i still somehow think that i can eliminate all the pain in my life, if i just try harder. intellectually i certainly know better, emotionally, however, well that is certainly a horse of a different color. the irony of what i needed to surrender a year ago, is still what i am struggling with, to surrender today. the simple fact that i can exert any power or influence someone else to care for themselves, remains a theme of my life, of which i grow weary. the pain i feel from not just letting go and admitting that no matter how much i care, i cannot stop anyone from doing what they will, it certainly is what it is.
on a much more upbeat note, having a cold call from a couple of recruiters when i am not actively seeking a new position does certainly make me feel a bit better about my current work situation. i really do like the work and the team. i could choose not to drive into the office, but i also like the office environment as well. if a job offer happens to come, i will have to seriously consider what is the most important factor in doing what i do. one hundred percent remote is nice, but then i have a tendency to be less than stellar in applying myself, as there are far too many distractions in my life that allow me to get my nose off the grindstone, as it were. that is not something i need to even consider until July 15th, as my vacation to Iceland and Ireland is already on the books. what i do know is that money is a factor as well as work life balance and right now, i have both. i have to admit, paid time off, is quite tempting. that is not something, however, that needs to be considered today. just for today i can be okay with learning how to cease fighting and allow myself to go with the flow of living a life in active recovery, happens to present.

∞ DT ∞