Blog entry for:

but it sure still a lot to get to the point where i admit, i am beaten.
so this could be one f those entries where i am all spiritual and talk about the joy i find in surrender, and it may morph into that as i get rolling. it could also be one of those, where i whine about the claw marks i leave in everything before i finally get to the place i can admit that i am beaten, but i think that is mention enough of that for right now as well. no what i am hearing now, as i finally get a chance to write this, is about the hole denial gig, i can get going and how it is certainly my denial, that prevents me from seeing that maybe this time, i really am beaten. as an addict shared this morning, i still suuffer from euphoric recall, not that i dwell in the house of the the joys of using, rather, i can vividly remember those graeat moment in my recovery, and i forget, what i had to do, to get there. i forgot that for every moment of ecstasy and realease that i experienced in a FIFTH STEP, there was a painfullly thorough FOURTH STEP setting it up. i forget that the joy i find in surrendering my shortcomings comes from a place of having to be entirely ready, with all its attendent pain and suffering. i forget that the FREEDOM i get from the sins of my past in STEP NINE required a painful inventory of those wrongs in STEP EIGHT. those symptoms, certainly describe euphoric recall, and as i sit smack dab in the middle of a heinous FOURTH STEP, any bit of motivation i can find to keep my momentum going, is a welcome relief.
as one can see, i certainly have a very selective memory when it comes to the recovery process, and i have come to believe that is just a human trait i share with the rest of my species, that has been finely honed through my life as an addict. a survival skill, that nearly killed me and threatens to do so, from time to time today. surrender is ceratinly the key to serenity to corrupt one of the bromides that circulate around the rooms. and today I SURRENDER, to all sorts of things, but most of all to the process of recovery that is my life. i will be okay, if i just sit it out, do the next right thing and let the POWER that fuels my recovery do the heavy lifting. the path before me lies through the rest of this FOURTH STEP and i can have a bit of FAITH and COURAGE and help the process continue, through my active particpation in it. it is after all, a great day to be clean and with a little bit of help and guidance it will remain so.

∞ DT ∞