Blog entry for:

the reading talks about why, even with a bit of clean time under my belt, i still pretend that i have some sort of power over many things. the truth is, about all i have any sort of power over is my behaviors, my thoughts, my opinions and my actions. i want to believe i can influence events, create goodwill and affect change on a global scale, when the truth is, my ability to change the world, is somewhat limited to my local surroundings and even then, when i venture out of my own self and those closest to me, i lack a whole lot of power. so why is it that i cling so tenaciously to outdated ideas, concepts and beliefs? FEAR!
such a simple and global answer. most of what i FEAR, is that i will not get the stuff i am “entitled” to get: everything that i desire, when i desire it. yes, selfish, self-centered and self-seeking are all parts of being human and gets amplified in addiction. recovery, active recovery that is, not just going to meetings and hoping to get it through ASS-MOSIS, is the ONLY thing i have found that even begins to ramp these traits down. so it goes.
what have i been holding on to lately? well my anger at being sold as an asset, instead of being given the opportunity to remain within the organization i was working for at the time. being presented with incomplete or ill-thought out requests, due to pure and simple laziness. having to hear reruns of the same share, because someone else, will not move on. and the list could go on and on. the actual truth, is most of that stuff i have little or no power over. being sold like an alarm clock to the highest bidder done! being angry and resentful about it ⇝ let that shite go, surrender to the reality and move along! someone else's behaviors ⇝ powerless, let go! my reactions to their idiocy, hey i have a bit a of power there, i can CHOOSE to be kind and gentle and educate them. my perpetual rerun peer? nope, no power, let go and if it bothers me, take a pee break when they start to share.
it is becoming plain, that i know what the answer may be, i know what i need to do, and yet, i choose to whine and spin about crap that is beyond m,y control. i will not surrender to being powerless, and this is a very appropriate theme, since i am writing a powerless inventory for the current carnation of my FIRST STEP. life does go on, and i can be serene, content and grateful, if i choose to stop fighting and learn to at ;least tolerate that which i cannot change, even if acceptance is still a bit further out. so on the cool and dreary June day, i can be grateful that i have a job, i GOT to take the day off and i get to have no commitments to do anything, save take care of myself. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞