Blog entry for:

a very special group of people who have suffered like me and found recovery. in their experiences, freely shared, i found hope for myself.
i am glad that the seed i **borrowed** uses a such a vague term like **after** to describe when i found myself among such a group. i have shared in the past, and quite often, how i did not believe i belonged here in this fellowship, or in recovery at all. i have shared how i railed and rebelled against the very notion that i was anything like those i met when i got here. most importantly, i spent the first 13 months of my recovery, making myself as different as i possibly could so i did not fit in anywhere, the fellowship where i was nor the fellowship that is my home today.
the scars of that all out war are still quite visible on the face of my recovery today, and although i have settled and am quite comfortable with who and what i am, and what i NEED to do to maintain this life, when i see others following along in that same path ii want to pick them up, slap them around and say; “listen a$$hole, how many lives do you really think you have, is it not time to get off your fVcking high horse and become one of us?!”
i know, that just like the few members who caught a glimpse of what i was going through in the days of my early recovery, i am powerless and my words will fall upon, as the cliché goes, deaf ears. i was not ready when i came around the rooms, nor was i ready when i finally accepted a minimum bit of responsibility for my recovery. it took as long as it took as well as having a fool for a sponsor, namely me, before i realized that there was something wrong with the shape and nature of the program, as evidenced with my familiarity with the phrase, I KNOW!
for me, after meant over 18 months of clean time and recovery before i came to realize the gift i had been given, that of a roomful of people, who, just like me, were seeking a manner of living that removed them from the life of active addiction. that gift is still being given today, and today i can accept it with a gratitude that has only grown over the days of my recovery.
anyhow, enough susie sunshine stuff and preaching to the choir. this morning i am also working hard to accept the gift i asked for, the opportunity to work myself out of the hole that self-will created for me. first off as promised last night at the meeting.
wishful: to have the will for something to happen.
hopeful: to have the desire for something to happen.
not much difference between the two, so where do i go from here? well, for me, i would have to look at the probability of outcomes. i know self-will can be defined as holding expectations for outcomes, so this is dangerous ground i am treading upon. let me see if i can navigate the landmines for me, so that i can move on. i can WISH to have my money woes solved by winning POWERBALL. the odds of winning the big jackpots are greater than the odds of being struck by lightening. just like being struck by lightening i can raise or lower those odds by my behaviors: holding a ten foot steel pole above my head during a raging thunderstorm greatly increases my odds, and yet those odds are still astronomically against. waving that same steel rod from the top of the Empire State Building in a storm, well now we are talking about getting them down to actual probability of occurring, but look at what i had to do to reduce them. to win those jackpots, there is no practical path the reducing those odds to anything sane. however my money troubles can be solved by my beating the streets for new clients, traversing my social networks and yes, even applying for jobs in the real world. when i let go of my self-will and look for the opportunities i can have HOPE and be HOPEFUL. that the means for me to live will be provided or i will be shown a different path i can take. WISHES become HOPE when i ground them reality. i never HOPED to get clean, much ;less enjoy thousand of days in freedom from active addiction, but now i HOPE can do it again tomorrow. is was those people, who were here, way back when, that filled with the possibility, that yes this life was what i wanted and was more than i could ever wish for. they fill me with HOPE that if they can do it, so can i, no matter what. with that thought in m ind it is time to hit the backyard office and get some work that i can bill for done today.
i am HOPEFUL that i will get all that i NEED to stay clean today. i will buy a POWERBALL ticket today, wishing that perhaps i can be struck by that particular form of lightening. nevertheless, i can and will stay clean today and do my best to live a program of active recovery.

∞ DT ∞