Blog entry for:

the newcomer can relate to where i have been and draw hope from where i am now.
so i chose to make today a sort of topsy-turvy day, as far as my Sunday morning routine. the consequences of that decision, is that now i am not quite sure what i “heard” before rolling around doing my stuff. there are some facts i need to state, and as i list them, i will get some insight into where i am going with this. the first and foremost is that as most of you know, i was NOT a willing participant in this whole recovery gig, when i came to the rooms. no this was my “get out of jail free card,” and i certainly wanted to pass go, and collect $200, so i took it. even after i was no longer required to be here, i still remained, and i am one of those fortunate members, who has never had to change his clean-date, which in and of itself, is truly amazing. people like, me, steeped in denial and a belief system that did not allow for anything beyond what i could measure with my senses, generally do not make it here. we find loopholes and disqualifications and walk away in disgust, only to discover that we cannot maintain an abstinent lifestyle through sheer force of will. i could have been one of those, but after thirteen months in recovery, when i was reaching that particular turning point in my recovery, i still had the imminent threat of incarceration in my life, so i made the change to this fellowship and discovered it was never about what or how i used, it was simply about addiction. once the substance specific bullsh!t was removed, i could see for myself, what i truly was, and possibly hope that i could be something more. before i start a war of any sort of words, i need to say this, while substance specific recovery programs work for many suffering people around the world, it DID and and probably WILL not ever work for me. i certainly have nothing against those recovery programs but i will neither support nor endorse any other program, ever again. i am what i am, and as a matter of fact i am right where i NEED to be, life is really better on two legs!
so there i was, on the cusp of leaving this life behind, not wanting to use, not wanting to be incarcerated, and not wanting to be part of this freak show anymore. when that paradigm shift was upon me, i was amazed at what i had been missing for the previous thirteen months and wondered why i was too ignorant to understand, what i could have had. today i know. i have a life that is full of people, some i like, some not so much, but full to the brim. i have a life that i once secretly envied, but would never have owned feeling that way about it. i have a life, free from the legal system and free from active addiction. most importantly i have a path that leads to me becoming more than i ever was, i no longer need settle for not being able to do relationships, jobs or manage my finances, as all of that is possible for me today.
in fact the time has come to end this and let you know, that yes, today i am recovering and i am grateful i have been given that chance, at least right here and right now. i want to get some stuff done and only through the fellowship that has given me the manner of living to i GET the ability to do so.

∞ DT ∞