Blog entry for:

what exactly does that term mean? to get better as in a restoration to health after a bout of illness or to get back, regain some physical object. before coming to the fellowship, i was certainly in the throes of active addiction and had a whole lot of nothing to lose. so for me, there is nothing to regain from the time before i got clean, at least in a material sense, and time is certainly gone by, so that too has been lost. i still had my family and underneath the layers of walls of denial, there were still feelings churning away. regaining the isolation, denial, and numbness, although i often fantasize about that, is not something i want to “recover.”
i have an issue or two about calling addiction a disease, but when i talk about addiction, it is the easier softer way, as most of my peers and many in the medical profession, see addiction in that manner. IF addiction can be viewed through the lens of disease, than my recovery can be seen as three distinct phases:

1. active addiction: whose primary symptom is the uncontrollable drug use
2. remission: physical abstinence from the use of drugs
3. active recovery: taking the steps to ameliorate the other, less obvious symptoms of addiction from my life

with that in mind, recovery and recovering is an ongoing process, that proceeds in fits and starts, based upon my willingness to do the deal, on a daily basis. nothing too complicated about that and certainly nothing to spend a whole blog writing about, but it does bring me to the point where i can start to write about what i heard this morning.
as there is very little in my life before recovery that i wish to or can “recover,” i have to wonder why i stay, when does it good as good as it is going to get? when i am stagnant in my recovery actions, it feels that i have already past that point. people bug me with their selfish and entitled behaviors, traffic does not move fast enough, the sun does not shine bright enough and nothing anyone can say or do is good enough for me. i am quite familiar with living in that neighborhood, as that is where i lived for quite some time in active addiction. it is a comfortable place, as i know all the ins and outs and many would say that i am a nattering nabob of negativity when i dwell in this house, and many would be mostly correct. for me, it is a warning sign of what may be coming down the pike and it is time to move back towards my active program of recovery. quite honestly i do not know how good it is going to get, materially, well it could get a whole lot better, as i am never rich enough or have every single toy i ever imagined having. physically? well i could get back to a program of exercise and improve my fitness and give up a bad habit or three. spiritually? well this is where i have no idea of how much better i could get. if i am shooting for a Mother Theresa level of serenity, humility and selflessness, i have a very long way to go. today i think i will just aim for a level of humility, selflessness and serenity that allows me to accept what i cannot change and the wisdom to detect what it is that i can change. one thing is for sure, i can change my mind and today i think i will stick with my decision to live another clean and in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞