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i have to ask myself if the program IS working for me? this is not some sort of ploy to look more humble than i am, pandering to the notion that if i express my doubts, somehow i am more acceptable to those who happen to peek at this particular bit of prose. nor am i working my way into a bit snide cynicism. what i am “hearing” this morning is a moment of clarity about who i am and where i might be going. the direction my life has taken since the events that drove me into recovery and kept me seated here for long enough for the program to work its “magic” on me, is certainly not a bad thing to look at.
what i discover is that what i have today is more than can be tallied up in an inventory of my possessions and a tally of all my bank accounts. where once upon a time i violently eschewed all materialism as evil, i have come to realize that it was jealousy and envy of what others had, that drove me to be derisive of material gain. that set of behaviors played into my attitudes in early recovery and echo in my life today. i am jealous of my peers who are “God-smacked” or who pop directly into a state of instant recovery, the second they walk into the rooms. my journey to this point in my recovery has been a series of struggles, accommodations and finally surrender and acceptance. i cannot speak to the “easier and softer” path that i perceive many of my peers seem to be on. i can say, that after each lesson i have a better understanding of who i am and i do not need to fall back on clichés and bumper stickers to describe where i am today.
i could go on, but i starting to tread into more than a bit of a cynical look at my peers and veering off the path of focusing on who i am and what i am feeling this morning. i think, therefore i will say that yes i am recovering and just for today i will surrender my jealousy and envy into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞