Blog entry for:

-- freedom from active addiction and a better way of life.
is that all? what about intuitively knowing what to do in any given situation? and what about my fear of people and economic insecurity, when is that going to be removed? and what about the many promises i have heard spoken about at various times in my recovery? when will they become reality? i have been thorough and painstaking in my work up to now, so when is this new me going to emerge from the ashes of my past?
honestly, for me that is exactly the problem. i hear promises about HOW my new life is going to be, and i hear them often enough, that they grow in my mind to expectations, and of course you all know that an expectation can be called a pre-meditated resentment. the root of this misunderstanding came to me because at one time i attended more than one fellowship, and i got a mixed message of recovery. in fact, i once said that i could really see no difference between any of them, except the focus of what i was powerless over. so the promises of one of the fellowships had to apply universally across the board to all of them.
today that little mental stretch to fit myself into a fellowship where i did not and could never belong, still haunts me, especially when i get to an entry in the daily meditation book that deals with the PROMISE of the fellowship that gave me this new life. the simple elegance of these four words, ‘freedom from active addiction’ says more than hundreds of words speaking to lofty promises that may never come true. as an addict i want to see promises coming true every day dammit or exactly what is the point. and when run against this simple promise, i see that it is true today -- i have not had to use in the ninety minutes i have been awake, nor have i had the obsession to use for quite a number of days in a row, so since i have freedom from active addiction, at least in this moment, i must be recovering from the disease of addiction. since i am recovering, it can only be because i let go and surrendered to the spiritual principles of THE fellowship in which i CHOOSE to recover.
now i know it appears that i have gone off on quite a tangent here, BUT i was once a newcomer and i missed the boat for many months, because i believed falsely in many things. i am grateful today that a fellowship that fits me like a glove does exist and has a strong presence in the place where i live. i am grateful today that i can read literature written by people just like me, who share the same problem, feelings and manner of living as i do. do i need twelve or more promises to continue in the direction i have chosen? no one is more than enough for me, thank you very much, so off to live yet another day and see what comes.
BTW -- happy sixth anniversary of your clean date JIM S!

∞ DT ∞