Blog entry for:

is certain, as long as i work the program of recovery that i have been given. that payoff? well i could say, an exciting and fulfilling career, friends, a new hose , a late model car, a loving long-term relationship, a college degree and a future. those have all come into my life since i got clean, stayed clean and became a member who has more than the desire to stay clean. as much as i like those gifts and the many more that i do not have the time or desire to enumerate here and now, that is not my payoff for staying clean and LIVING a program of recovery. the personality changes and my ability to CHOOSE how to behave, are also gifts of my recovery program, and they are not part of the payoff either, they too are side-effects. no as the reading quite plainly and succinctly states, the payoff is FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION and a better way of life.
that freedom and that life, is what i GET to live every day, 100% of the time. if this was all about getting any or all of the things i listed in the very first paragraph, i could have left the rooms, ditched this program of recovery and been eternally grateful for all of that and more. i have seen some of my peers follow that path and sometimes they come back, busted and beaten, and sometimes they do not. i have no idea what happens to those that i never see again, perhaps they do live happily ever after, and i certainly HOPE that is the case. for me, well for me, i know that there would not be any sort of life i would enjoy living after i “recovered.” i know for a fact, that i am an addict. for me, that means that if i stopped living this program, i would lose the one thing that makes my life worth living, the FREEDOM to live without active addiction. ah but enough of this cheer-leading and Susie Sunshine stuff. when i get right down to it, i have many choices that funnel into a single dilemma, do i or do i not want to continue my life as an addict free from active addiction?
it is quite easy for me to stay clean on a daily basis. i have been doing it long enough that it has become force of habit. it is also quite easy for me to picture myself walking into a dispensary and exercising my legal right as an adult citizen of the fine state of Colorado. those are the two roads i see before me and as an addict, there may be a thousand paths to either of those roads, but they still narrow down to those two choices, recovery or using. i can wrap it up into a million differ packages. i can lie to myself about how well i am living a program. i can measure my “success” by how far i have come and how much i have been given since i got clean., but when it comes down to it, this better way of life that i am living, has very little to do with all of those external things. i do not NEED to go to church on Sunday to profess my FAITH. i do not need to preach as to what “you should” do. i do not need walk with arrogance, pride and ego, as i am confident in who i am and know what i am becoming. i have a POWER in my life, that does not need to be defined or named, that POWER, the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides for my NEEDS and presents me the opportunities to get more.
what does that mean for me right here and right now? it means that it is time to wrap this up, take care of my morning ablutions and head on down to work. it means the i feel the presence of that POWER and be present for whatever opportunities i am presented with today. it means i celebrate my life as a recovering addict and take the steps necessary to maintain that life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞