Blog entry for:

worked for those i found in the rooms when i got here, it just MIGHT work for me.
so i have been writing a whole lot about a WHAT IF scenario of the end of my recovery process. in fact one might say: almost obsessively. the fact is, it has been on my mind lately due to events in the lives of my peers, and the revolving door nature of the fellowship that has been kicked into high gear again. this obsession is a reaction to those events and a bit of speculation of what it might be like for me, IF i decide that this is not the way of life for me. do not get me wrong, recovery is more than just not using. it is more than a choice to stay clean today. it is more than a lifestyle choice. for me, recovery is my life and it is because of recovery i GET to live the life i have. i could, as the Republican candidates for the president seem to do about the number of undocumented immigrants currently residing in this country, put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and sing we shall overcome at the top of my voice and HOPE that the problem of slipping away from recovery will just disappear, or make pronouncements about building bigger and better barriers, while doing nothing to fix the situation at hand. pretending something does not exist, or speaking to solutions that are impracticable and intractable, is not what i am about today.
so way back when i got clean, and for me it was a few days ago, what i saw and what i thought i saw,, here in the rooms. were not the same things i see today. i had come here expecting to find a collection of freaks, losers, whiners and the weak and feeble, and that is exactly what i thought i found. men cried here and shared about feelings that i was certain i never had. there were nights when what i heard sounded like something out of Jerry Springer and i felt almost certain the hidden cameras were roiling and the hillbilly son of his sister would be up next. of course,m what i noticed most, was how hypocritical, and nonspiritual, my soon-to-be peers were. i would ask myself: “if this is such a fVcking spiritual program, where are the saints?” the seven or so months i spent drifting in and pretending to be in, only reinforced my impressions of who i was not going to be. the eighteen months it took to finally claim my seat in this fellowship was what this addict needed to find a way through his wall of denial and realize that he was wrong about what he was seeing here. when the fog finally cleared i saw that even though my [peers were not spiritual giants, they were doing their best to live a program. even though they had a full complement of human failings, they were working to become more than just the defective characters they were when they walked into the room. most importantly, at least for me, they were becoming genuine and whole beings, self-realized and on a path of enlightenment that took different forms for each individual.
some my peers never get past the whole notion that this program is all about abstinence, and fir them that is perfectly okay. for me, if this was just about drugs and using, there would be no reason for me to be here any longer. by any official medical definition, i have been in remission of my addiction long enough to be pronounced cure and addiction free. while that may be a wonderful notion for someone else, for me, i just do not buy it today. for me, addiction is more than the collection of symptoms i presented when i came here, and recovery is more than just mere abstinence. i may not be where i think i should be, spiritually speaking, but i am sure as hell not where i was, and for that i am grateful today. and on that note i think i will simply say, it is a good day to be clean, to be on this side of the grass and to have the opportunity to continue that journey towards becoming the man i never thought i would be.

∞ DT ∞