ฮฃ after taking a bewildered glance at the odd assortment of folks in the room, i may wonder โฆ
Posted: Mon, Jul 27, 2009 08:41:16 AM
**why should i bet my life on this group? after all, they are just a bunch of addicts like me.**
that question, is certainly germane to any discussion and one that i need to answer for myself, every time i walk into a meeting. for that matter, any time, i need to rely on someone to help guide me through whatever crisis i may be having, big or small. i could become like an friend of mine, who could be celebrating nine years clean today in the fellowship, bitter and resentful, because this group failed to meet my expectations. i could walk around putting every member who has more time than me, on a pedestal, hanging on their every word, and doing every little thing they suggest.
OR perhaps, i will look at this disparate as the voice of a HIGHER POWER, and do my best to take what i hear and place it into the context of my daily existence without adding the value judgments that i am so apt to add.
the reading raised some questions in my head, and i certainly come back to WHY! why should i trust this group, or better put, why should i even trust this whole recovery gig? after all, haven’t i survived the slings and arrows of twenty-six years of active addiction and almost twelve years of recovery? is it not time, that i finally can come to trust myself and my motives and start to live like a so called normal person? maybe i have been a part of this particular freak show long enough, and like my friend Jimmy, it is time to step out into the real world.
while all of that may be nice, and possibly it is true, i have no experience in that particular form of experimenting with my life. the risk i take in believing that line of thought and acting on it, are incredible. while i am still a thrill-seeker, i am also a lover of comfort. my recovery, based on what i have been told as an active participant in these groups, has given a comfortable life. okay, i have to be honest here, i am speaking in both the literal and figurative sense, and both are equally as true. i have a car, a career, some money in the bank and a house, so in the literal sense, my life is quite comfortable and these material gifts are the result of the people who welcomed me into recovery and kept me coming back. for me, this morning, the material comfort i have been given is secondary to the emotional and spiritual comfort that i have received. nothing and i repeat nothing, every gave me the sense of peace and the connection with the world around me, as the program that collection of addicts did, way back when. their suggestions, their example and most of all their love and acceptance of this newcomer, allowed to find a manner of living beyond my wildest dreams. for that i am grateful today, and every day, and much as it might be possible to strike out and do this life thing on my own, i do believe that today, i will continue to trust the collective judgment of the fellowship that has given me this life, and just keep coming back.
so off to the streets, to work on the excess baggage i added over the weekend. well not really but for sure, to keep something going, the desire to live better today than yesterday, in more ways than one.
that question, is certainly germane to any discussion and one that i need to answer for myself, every time i walk into a meeting. for that matter, any time, i need to rely on someone to help guide me through whatever crisis i may be having, big or small. i could become like an friend of mine, who could be celebrating nine years clean today in the fellowship, bitter and resentful, because this group failed to meet my expectations. i could walk around putting every member who has more time than me, on a pedestal, hanging on their every word, and doing every little thing they suggest.
OR perhaps, i will look at this disparate as the voice of a HIGHER POWER, and do my best to take what i hear and place it into the context of my daily existence without adding the value judgments that i am so apt to add.
the reading raised some questions in my head, and i certainly come back to WHY! why should i trust this group, or better put, why should i even trust this whole recovery gig? after all, haven’t i survived the slings and arrows of twenty-six years of active addiction and almost twelve years of recovery? is it not time, that i finally can come to trust myself and my motives and start to live like a so called normal person? maybe i have been a part of this particular freak show long enough, and like my friend Jimmy, it is time to step out into the real world.
while all of that may be nice, and possibly it is true, i have no experience in that particular form of experimenting with my life. the risk i take in believing that line of thought and acting on it, are incredible. while i am still a thrill-seeker, i am also a lover of comfort. my recovery, based on what i have been told as an active participant in these groups, has given a comfortable life. okay, i have to be honest here, i am speaking in both the literal and figurative sense, and both are equally as true. i have a car, a career, some money in the bank and a house, so in the literal sense, my life is quite comfortable and these material gifts are the result of the people who welcomed me into recovery and kept me coming back. for me, this morning, the material comfort i have been given is secondary to the emotional and spiritual comfort that i have received. nothing and i repeat nothing, every gave me the sense of peace and the connection with the world around me, as the program that collection of addicts did, way back when. their suggestions, their example and most of all their love and acceptance of this newcomer, allowed to find a manner of living beyond my wildest dreams. for that i am grateful today, and every day, and much as it might be possible to strike out and do this life thing on my own, i do believe that today, i will continue to trust the collective judgment of the fellowship that has given me this life, and just keep coming back.
so off to the streets, to work on the excess baggage i added over the weekend. well not really but for sure, to keep something going, the desire to live better today than yesterday, in more ways than one.
∞ DT ∞