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surrender? for me anyhow, better put, SURRENDERS! as one of those who has been through the steps a few times and has been living a program of recovery, passively and actively, for more than a few years, i can say that i have gone through the process, STEP ONE and surrendering to being powerless, many times, more than i can even count. in fact, each and every day, i surrender to the fact that i am an addict and will continue to be an addict, more than likely, until the day i shuffle off this mortal coil. when i was attempting to get clean, after my first meeting and before having the consequence of jail time, i did whatever i could to deny that i was an addict of any sort. i knew my life was unmanageable, but powerless? HELL NO!
as i finally saw the “error of my ways,” i got a bit of relief when i finally got the clue that i was not battling addictions and what i had was the “disease” of addiction and i could put all my eggs into the basket of the fellowship that has given me this manner of living. i may not win any battle with the symptoms of addiction, no matter how they manifest, BUT i can win the war, by ceasing to fight that constellation of symptoms that the mental health professionals call my addictive personality. when i apply step one, even on a daily basis, i have opened the door to yet one more day of staying clean and quite possibly being a better person than yesterday.
speaking of yesterday, i have often commented on my habit of greeting those i meet on my daily workout and how i finally got over judging them based on their response, or lack thereof. as i greeted those i passed, one in particular really seemed pleased by my action and her face lit up, as if i had just given her a shit ton of money. i admit, that made my day and when the sprinklers crossing the sidewalk where i was going to run, moved out of my path, i truly felt blessed. if i were to be religious or superstitious, and i have to admit i see little difference in either of those states, i might be apt to say that i was being rewarded for my good deed. what i feel, instead, is a sense of gratitude that i could do something for someone, with no expectation of return and that my timing was such that i did not get hammered by a sprinkler. pure and simply, life on its own terms. for now, it is time to package this up and get on with my day, remembering that i am an addict, through and through. my first thought may not always be wrong, BUT i do need to allow myself to respond, rather than react to the slings and arrows that come my way, just for today!

∞ DT ∞