Blog entry for:

way of living is certainly one of the gifts of long-term recovery. the changes that have been manifest as a result of living in this manner are many and have be re-evaluating several of the relationships i have formed across the course of my existence. one of the most odious for me right now, is one that i “should” find fulfilling. day after day however, upon leaving my latest interaction with this closed off, self-absorbed game-playing person, i find myself renting her far too much space in my head. that is certainly on me, but yesterday, she crossed a line in the sand and violated one of my boundaries, by attempting to drag my wife into our relationship. who the fuck does she think she is? time and again, she asks for me to do stuff, pretending it is coming from another source and always as i am heading out the door, so she gets to be the “injured” party. well that comes to an end right now, as i am no longer playing that game. spending twelve hours with her in my head is way too much and right here and right now, i pitch all of that into the shit can, so i can live my life. what she does not get, is that even though i love her, i really cannot stand being in the same room with her for any length of time. as sad as that sounds, that is my reality and i have to deal with it.
as i stay clean and grow, i uncover all sorts of odds and sods from my past. i am amazed by the garbage i have collected over my lifetime, but the steps provide a means for me to properly dispose of that toxic waste. detoxing from my past and learning to live in the here and now has been an arduous process and one that is still on-going. accepting that i have certain responsibilities to myself, my spouse, my peers and yes <SIGH> my family, sucks on some days. learning to put all of those responsibilities behind my responsibility to myself, is narrow path to tread, between self-will and self-care. as i grow in my recovery, i will be better able to balance who i am with what i do, but in the means time, i will still have bouts of renting space in my head and giving away my personal power to those who are not entitled to it. it is true, as i recover, i get to define what is and what is not acceptable to me. i may be far from perfect, but at least i know who i am and how i affect those i interact with on a daily basis.
learning to live without needing the approval of others, is a tough road to walk, especially with those who have used their approval as a weapon, time and again. it is amazing that after a few weeks gone, how quickly the landmines get tripped. i should not really be surprised, after all, all of those IEDs were placed by someone else and they certainly have the map to guide me exactly to where those explosive devices sit. my part is to get back to being vigilant about what is happening in real-time and understand that no matter what i say or do, they will always be the victim and i will always being the one that needs to admit that he was wrong. well there will be no apology coming from me today, just a flat statement of fact -- i have neither the time nor the inclination to do what you are asking of me. i am allowed to say that and i certainly will start using that more and more, as i no longer have the patience to play the games for which the rules were set in stone, decades ago. i DO recover and just for today i will rejoice and revel in that statement.

∞ DT ∞