ยฅ in my desire for relationships, romantic or otherwise ยฅ
Posted: Tue, Dec 6, 2011 07:41:47 AM
i will not ignore my recovery. ok, i got to fess up here, for me, this is one of those readings that seems so obvious, that when i come across it in my annual cycle, i just want to say DUH and move along. so being the type of person i am, i had to change it, just enough, so i had a topic to write about.
relationships, of any sort are difficult for me. when i came here, all i knew how to do was use people, take hostages and never regret anything. sure i was still part of my family, but that was more by default rather than anything i worked on. somewhere down the line, i missed the course on relationships, that those who are a member of the other 85%, seem to do so effortlessly. yes, i know they struggle as well, but they have something i lacked, an innate sense of what to do next, especially when it came to romance. without any context or natural abilities to fall back on, the part of me i call my addiction took over and it all came down to getting what i wanted. my amends list was long and in some cases very general as those i took from, often were anonymous, even in the fleeting so-called relationships i did manage to eke out.
here is where i usually tell a story about praying for a relationship and getting a dawg, no need to rehash that, the point is, the program of recovery and the POWER that fuels that recovery, protected m from myself, and i learned to do what i yearned for, that is having equal and fulfilling relationships, including forming a connection to the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with. anyhow, along the way i learned how to love and be loved. i learned how to be a partner and treat others with some respect. most importantly, the most painful lesson i ever learned was how to leave a relationship that was not healthy and move on with my life. one of those, is still circling in the background, and i am not certain i am healthy enough to try and start that one up without it devolving into the same sick one it once was. as sad as that sounds, the HOPE here is that i see there is very little i am willing to give up in that respect. even thinking about how i was used way back when, still initiates a strong emotional response, probably a gift from my program, that i am not ready to move forward with that relationship at all, still!
of course, the reading speaks to losing myself in the development of a relationship and neglecting my program. i also get that. i know what happens to me, when i put anything in front of my program of recovery, i end up sick and sicker, with little to offer anyone else.that is not who i want to be today, so i think i will listen to what i am being told and use the program for what it offers, a new manner of living in this world, just for today.
relationships, of any sort are difficult for me. when i came here, all i knew how to do was use people, take hostages and never regret anything. sure i was still part of my family, but that was more by default rather than anything i worked on. somewhere down the line, i missed the course on relationships, that those who are a member of the other 85%, seem to do so effortlessly. yes, i know they struggle as well, but they have something i lacked, an innate sense of what to do next, especially when it came to romance. without any context or natural abilities to fall back on, the part of me i call my addiction took over and it all came down to getting what i wanted. my amends list was long and in some cases very general as those i took from, often were anonymous, even in the fleeting so-called relationships i did manage to eke out.
here is where i usually tell a story about praying for a relationship and getting a dawg, no need to rehash that, the point is, the program of recovery and the POWER that fuels that recovery, protected m from myself, and i learned to do what i yearned for, that is having equal and fulfilling relationships, including forming a connection to the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with. anyhow, along the way i learned how to love and be loved. i learned how to be a partner and treat others with some respect. most importantly, the most painful lesson i ever learned was how to leave a relationship that was not healthy and move on with my life. one of those, is still circling in the background, and i am not certain i am healthy enough to try and start that one up without it devolving into the same sick one it once was. as sad as that sounds, the HOPE here is that i see there is very little i am willing to give up in that respect. even thinking about how i was used way back when, still initiates a strong emotional response, probably a gift from my program, that i am not ready to move forward with that relationship at all, still!
of course, the reading speaks to losing myself in the development of a relationship and neglecting my program. i also get that. i know what happens to me, when i put anything in front of my program of recovery, i end up sick and sicker, with little to offer anyone else.that is not who i want to be today, so i think i will listen to what i am being told and use the program for what it offers, a new manner of living in this world, just for today.
∞ DT ∞