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i will do something today that sustains my recovery. that may just end up being NOT going to a meeting tonight. when i keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, that is truly insanity. lately the Tuesday night meeting has not met my expectations for various reasons. that is what it is, the amazingly sick part is having any expectations, after all that is certainly a recipe for disappointment, frustration and resentment, all things i do not deal with very well. it is not like that is the ONLY meeting i attend regularly, nor is it the only meeting in my hometown. to expect others to live up to my standards and worse as a group meet my expectations is self-entitlement to the max, and yet…
anything else is just the start of the lie i will tell myself to justify and rationalize my self-righteous anger. moving beyond the self-inflicted pain, i see a few solutions: not going, leaving on time, or <gasp> PRACTICING A BIT OF PATIENCE AND TOLERANCE. hmmm, so a set of choices. i know being out and about for 14 or 15 hours is a choice i make. i know not eating for 8 or more hours is also a choice i make. the consequences of those choices are that i am hungry and tire, setting the stage for angry. even though the whole hungry, lonely, tired mantra is something we tell newcomers, it still applies today, to me. knowing that is the case,a nd allowing myself to react to my unmet expectations, is where the addict part of me kicks in. combating the addict behavior with recovery, is certainly a struggles in the best of times, and in situations where i am already susceptible to lapse in my spiritual condition it is even worse. after all do i not know who the fVck i am?!
yes, i need constant reminders that my spiritual condition is contingent on my continual application of the program that has given me this life and allows me to go to meetings where i can be less than satisfied, there is the dark and cynical part of me rearing its lovely visage. another way of looking at that, is that i CHOOSE to go to meeting where maybe, IF i put away my preconceived notions of right and wrong, i may actually learn a new trick or two, disproving the bromide, about old dawgs and what they can learn. just for today, this old dawg can choose to let go and allow the POWER that fuels his recovery to do the work teh dawg needs to stay clean today and thrive. on taht note i think i will sign off and see what is happening in the rest of the world.

∞ DT ∞