Blog entry for:

of making a better me starts with allowing myself to see who i am as reflected by the behaviors i observe of those who happen to cross my path today, is certainly a topic ripe for discussion this morning. there is a very thin line between discernment and being judgemental. of course the reading speaks to using the judgements i happen top form about those i run across as the basis for self-examination. it is interesting to me, that as i walk through this world of flawed human beings, i sometimes feel as if somehow i missed the boat. i know that i am as at least as flawed as they are, but i am quite painfully aware of that and it seems that most of them are not. ah, but that is a judgement and <BOOM> there i am once again, casting the rest of the human race into the bit bucket of being “less than” me, a very familiar behavior.
the other night in my spiritual malaise i heard one of the most wonderful pieces of rationalizations about character defects i have ever heard. as i listen to the echos of that in my mind today, i really like it and it fits into another familiar behaviors: ̴if i do not like what i see, alter the facts to fit the story.” in my head, i am world famous for pounding, bending and stretching the truth to fit whatever story i needed to tell. when reality did not fit in my belief structure i made sure that the alternative facts could be made to fit and succeeded most of the time. the wall of denial grew higher and thicker and i became divorced from reality, bolstering the dominant story in my life. i know that i am a flawed human being and whether or not i was created this way by divine providence, random chance or Mercury being in retrograde, does not matter. what matters, at least to me, is my desire to have my character defects removed and learn to live life consciously, instead of creatively. more than enough of a goal, just for today.
which brings me to what is really on my mind this morning, the assignment i gave one of the men that calls me their sponsor. for the first time since i finally arrived in this spiritual place, someone asked me how GOD fit into my spiritual path, and i got to say out loud: “GOD is GOD.” when those particular words came out of my mouth, i finally felt what i had talked about with my sponse, two weeks ago. i finally felt a path forward into the THIRD STEP. it really was not that, that was holding me back, but as mentioned above, changing the fact: not doing my THIRD STEP assignment to fit my belief system: GOD, as i see GOD, does not have a mouth, ears or eyes, i could deny that i was balking at looking at surrendering my will and my life. a really nice piece of alternative truth there and one that would have worked, had i not had a sponsee who is pushing me through my process as we facilitate his. this morning, the assignment i gave him is starting to feel as one i should be doing myself and as i walk through this day, i do believe i will look for the opportunities to revisit the notion of how the three wills: GOD's, self and true, align in my life today. perhaps as i attend the meeting tonight, i will have a bit of inspiration to break my silence and actually move into doing what was asked of me, sharing about my THIRD STEP journey, now that i am finally embarked upon it. it is, after all, a good day to celebrate the fact that i do not have to use today and that i have been given the power to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞