Blog entry for:

wow, how convenient is that little phrase ripped from the context of the daily reading. all of a sudden i can justify my tendency to judge my peers and be **okay** with doing so. i LOVE IT! i was about to discount all that i said before with a synonym for **but,** BUT i decided against moving down that track. i really do not NEED to justify or rationalize away the behaviors and thoughts i have about others in my life. what i “feel” i need to do, is accept them and use them to look at the way i walk through my day.
last night, as i sat in the meeting feeling rebellious because i was not home, chained to my work computer, i texted a friend a very snide comment about one of our peers, using their name as a play on words for their behavior. as part of doing the next right thing, i apologized after i thought about it for a minute, as my filters had failed me and i was just being a real asshole. it happens and i can accept that. using the notion that what i texted last night could be a springboard into examining my own defects of character, what i see this morning is that what i see as arrogance and attention-seeking behaviors , are the exact same ones i loathe in my own self. i want to “make an entrance” and am quite thrilled by the sound of my own voice casting “pearls of wisdom” before my unenlightened and recalcitrant peers. i am far from “cured” and am mostly unsure of why i am in this extended period of quietly listening when i attend meetings in my home town. i accept that as how things are, for now and know that too will change as time rolls by.
moving along down the path to where this may be headed, what really irks me, is when someone has a disagreement with how i do something and then says “we do not always see eye to eye.” the fact that i do not do something the way someone else does, does not mean that i disagree or disapprove of how they are doing it and my rebelliousness kicks into overdrive. who the f*ck are they to say what i am thinking or feeling? it is interesting that it has only taken me two days to get down to what it is that is really bothering me. i was going to justify and rationalize my feelings of anger, but decided to use it as a springboard into today. i am okay knowing that i do not enjoy being stereotyped or having motives ascribed to the way i do things. in fact perhaps that is a spiritual advantage as i might be able to keep myself from going down that road, just for today.

∞ DT ∞