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or even better yet, look past what others are doing, and direct my laser vision in on myself.
as i have been busy controlling, directing and yes manipulating others, over the past 10 days, and suffering the consequences for doing so, i can finally stop for a second and see what it is i am really doing. i am deflecting myself from facing the FEAR of what the FOURTH STEP may reveal. as long as i am doing something, anything, i do not even have to acknowledge that i am afraid. listening to others, i hear the same process going on in my head. the circular logic, that always leads me back to the same old place, choosing the familiar pain for the unknown pain of spiritual growth. why on earth would i want to open a whole new can of worms, when i have more than enough creepy-crawlies to deal with in my life today. the reason, just may be, that perhaps there is a chance that IF i face my FEAR, allow the personality change process to commence, once again, the current set of creepy-crawlies will be removed and NOT be replaced by more sinister and heinous ones. the HOPE that i am feeling this morning, is that there is happiness and joy on the other side of that pain. the irony here is, that no matter what i tell others, i still come back to this place myself. paralyzed by the very thought of the pain that i am about to endure, and the uncertainty of what my life will look like tomorrow, IF i let go, do the next right thing and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do IT's gig without my interference and resistance.
as bizarre as that sounds, perhaps fro the first time in a month, i am actually on the verge of letting go and surrendering to the next part of my spiritual journey. part of the FEAR i feel, is that the last time i started this step, i chose to end one of my sickest relationships, by trying to force into becoming a healthy one. what damage will i wreak this time? yes i miss my friend, but i do not miss the disrespect and the subservient position that relationship placed me in. the honest truth is, had i been healthier, i would have never participated in that relationship on those terms. the place where i ended-up was not the fault of someone else. it was mine and mine alone. i see no entry point to return to that relationship as a peer after being THE trained monkey and a sycophant for all that time. that is, what it is and although, right here and right now i feel regret and remorse, i know i cannot go there again.
which of course, leads me back to the topic at hand, acting out to blind myself to the behaviors that i am engaging in, whether they are a result of character defects or just the human condition. what is important today, is that i move forward, grow a bit of courage and do the next right thing, which right now, is to hop in the shower, shave and head on out to the office. i CAN do that and i will, after all, all i DO have is right now, and wasting it in diversion from myself, will do me no good in the long or short run. so it is off to work i go.

∞ DT ∞