Blog entry for:

i am most familiar with in myself. what i dislike in my fellows are often those things we dislike most in myself. i can turn this observation to my spiritual advantage. how i hear you asking, after all, is that just another unhealthy example of beating myself up? well it could be, that is, if i allowed it become a self-flagellation session, but the days of my self sadomasochistic are for the most part behind me. i no longer get pleasure from inflicting pain upon myself, and at the same enjoy the pain that i inflicted upon myself. the very thought of that sort of behavior is more than a bit repulsive these days, and that i engaged in it for so long, surprises the sh!t out of me.
all of this is nice, but it really is a digression from what i was thinking about -- namely using my ability to become judgmental towards others to guide my spiritual path. i have been through this sort of process, to the nth degree over the past year, and what it has ended up doing for me, is that i work on behaving in a manner that is more respectful of others, because that is how i desire to be treated. honestly, this morning, i am more than sure about the decision i need to make, and i am certain that it is necessary in the long run, for my own growth and to continue along my path. the irony is, that after considering and carefully listening to my own heart, my intuitive first guess, is what i am deciding.
HMMMMMM???
yes, i find indecisiveness in others, something that drive me fVcking nuts! for me to spend six days in considering a decision i made falls into that same behavior, one that i find abhorrent in others and absolutely repulsive in myself. the ability of not being able to decide is one that active addiction often masked for me. most of the time, i was so high or in such a fog, i made decisions by default, allowing the events of the day to sweep across me like the winds of a hurricane and take me where they would. than i could complain about things not working out to me liking. when i was forced to make a decision, i acted as if this was something spontaneous, when i actually had obsessed over the possible outcomes for days, hours or weeks leading up to that event. so if this set of steps was about decision-making, how am i still stuck in this same cycle? well, spin it as i may, this feels different. for one, i did not think about this for every waking moment since i was given the choice. i thought about it now and again, i listened for guidance when i was seeking answers in the quiet of meditation, without asking for specific knowledge. i remain open to a change of heart, as i have one step in this cycle to complete, a chat with the sponse, to help clarify my heart and mind. was there any harm in considering, gathering more information, letting go and allowing myself to feel my way towards a decision? none to myself, and probably none to those around me.
so where do i go from here? well for one, i keep up the work of learning to feel my way to decisions and identifying when i have become judgmental. when i feel that way, judgmental not decisive, look to what it is in myself that i am finding less than satisfactory and work towards allowing a HIGHER POWER to take care of that for me. so off to hit the streets in this last day of my exercise cycle, a new one starts tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞