Blog entry for:

with which i am the most familiar.
as the election nears and the fever pitch of what it means to be a citizen in this country reaches hysterical levels of shrillness, i am stuck by the no-con notion, that if one does NOT toe the party line, precisely,one is an enemy of the state. the whole idea that dissent and inquiry into the workings of our elected officials, is somehow seditious or even treasonous. the freedom that was hard won by across the course of this country's history, includes the RIGHT to speak out against the government, express unpopular opinions and be FREE from any state sponsored religion. the men and women who are currently engaged overseas, fighting for our corporate masters profits are not to blame for their situation, it is just the way of the world today. Haliburton gets richer off the blood, sweat and tears of American youth and uses their neo-con shills to distract the sheelple from who the real enemy is, and let me give you a hint is is not the Taliban or Daesh! in the long run, who i vote for really will not matter, because no matter how independent a candidate appears today, they are will be sold or enticed into shilling for the corporate overlords, because after all, what is good for business…
okay cynical rant about national affairs complete, that same look into the how i see the current political climate, is certainly a peek into how i can see myself, in my worst times, a shill for the part of me i call addiction. unlike some of my peers, i am not in recovery, merely to be abstinent, no matter what. i am here to become something more and have moved beyond simple abstinence as a sign of daily success. before i get accused of saying something i did not, what works for my friends and peers, is what works for them. for me, it became clear a while ago, that IF i was NOT going to use no matter what, i had to find something more than simple abstinence. that something more, is a journey out of what i became after i first picked up and probably long before. the reward, for me, of staying clean is i get to be less of a shitehead, because i make the decision to live a program of recovery. more and more i get to express my opinions, be free from the chains that trapped me in the cycle of using and become something i could never be -- whole, genuine and self-aware. the beauty of the program i am immersed within, is that not only can i stay abstinent, i can grow beyond my wildest dreams, i need not be stuck in seeing myself as that bedraggled and desperate person, who was forced into the rooms and had the doors locked and nailed shut.
when i am struggling to trust someone or let go of judging their motives, because of their past behaviors, it is because my motives are suspect, much of the time. no matter how well i seem to be getting, i am still concerned, more time than not, about how i look to my peers, acquaintances and family members. i judge myself, based on my desire to be approved by my friends and peers, and most of the time find myself lacking. i slide the less than tasty bits of me, under a mountain of spiritual camouflage and hope that no one will notice. of course, if i am guilty of that sort of behavior, everyone else must be as well, and then the roller coaster ride of who can i trust, who is really genuine and who is out to get me begins.that fun-filled joy ride through the darkest parts of me is what keeps me from accepting others as they are, and at face value, because they are just like me: sneaky, self-centered and duplicitous.
the HOPE? well the hope is that i do NOT need to live there 24/7. each day the same program that makes me just a little bit better brings me relief from having to be “safe” from people like me. i am a bit better, so i can learn to trust those around me by at least the same increment, just for today. time to clean-up and head out to work, as it is a good day to earn my daily keep.

∞ DT ∞