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and the third tradition, the ONLY requirement is a desire to stop using, was what kept me in the rooms, way back when, even before i had the DESIRE, to stay clean. these days, it allows me the freedom to allow others to reach that same point. i have not always been quite so “free” about who should remain and who should shuffle off to another fellowship, in fact in the cold harsh light of retrospection, i was quite an asshole about those who could not “talk the talk,” much less actually practice the sort of integrity i believed was required to keep this fellowship “pure.” these days, i am better at that and even though i may live a program of recovery that some may call “old,” i know that each and every addict who comes to the rooms, has the right to find their own path. even if, IMHO, that path is based in a paradigm that is filled with psycho-babble, treatment bon mots, slogans or bumper stickers. for me. i know what has worked and that is a program of active daily recovery, based on what my predecessors wrote and approved. for myself, i will brook no substitutions nor deviations from that path.
what i heard this morning, as i let go of the traffic that kept me from making excellent time on my commute to the office, is a feeling of empathy for those who want to live a program that strays from the message that if one wants what we have, then one needs to do what we have done. i know i struggled with that very idea for the longest time, as i felt that those old-timers did not have a clue what it meant to live in my skin. i may have been correct about that, BUT, i did not even have a clue what my skin looked like, much less how it felt to walk my path.
after two weeks of struggling to figure out my work, i finally got a clue about what i need to do. i was so focused on history, that i missed the point of a case that i totally thought was highly improbable. int he next thirty minutes i will write the code that covers all my bases and finally move on to my next task. of course, when it became clear to me, what i was missing, the self-flagellation started and the term “idiot” popped up to the surface. now i know what functional fixity means and i will work past my blindspot and fix the issues i have had. i see that as a metaphor for my recovery as well. just because one chooses to do things a bit differently than i do, their path does not deserve my judgment or disparagement. i can move, just as they can and the measure of success for any of us, is another day clean and the opportunity to choose to do so, tomorrow. life is full of that stuff and just for today, i will accept that i do not even know, what i have yet to learn and perhaps, i may be able to pick up something i NEED to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞