Blog entry for:

in others.
the honest truth? well the honest truth is that i have been phoning this in the past few days, and i am uncertain as to the root cause of that behavior. more than likely, it is simply yo look good. yes, the biggest bugaboo of my life in recovery. i figured it was better to write something, anything, rather than nothing at all. maybe that was not a bad thing, as it gives me time to reflect this morning on how and what i see in the people who are part of my life.
the reading spoke of seeing the worst in my fellows, and i certainly have absolutely no trouble with that piece. what my sponsor mentioned the last time we sat down was, that i am also capable of seeing the best, and those who have the most of those traits i see as desirable, are those i am most attracted to. just as i can readily discern character defects in myself and others, i am just as capable at seeing assets in them and myself. the catch here is, that i have been programmed by whatever, to focus on the worst in myself, hence others, rather than the best.
part of that programming has come from a misinterpretation of what the steps are all about. the words that the authors specifically chose were “defects” and “shortcomings,” which do not lend themselves to all sorts of rainbows and unicorns and daises it feels very similar to the shame i felt when i realized what the concept of original sin was all about, namely: that i am born with sin, through no fault of my own. the sin of desiring more has tainted me and no matter how many generations since that act occurred, i can only be rid of it through the intervention of another, whether or not i have any conscious choice in that matter. shame from the get go, taught me that i am just a collection of traits that need to be purged from my being. with that cultural conditioning, it really is not surprising that i see the SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS, as once a again a litany of how evil i am, rather that a starting place for growing into the person i would like to become. so seeing the faults of others is easy, because i am so well acquainted with my own.
the flip side of that, is that IF i want to grow, perhaps i should make a conscious choice to identify what it is i see in those i like and want to have in my life. looking for the desirable in myself, as well as others, is certainly a paradigm shift, and it almost feels like a new age affirmation exercise. maybe it is, but i need not use that as an excuse to put me off of seeing what i like in others, hence what i can like in myself. the problem with original sin, is that knowledge in and of itself is NOT evil, nor undesirable, it was all about rebellion and disobedience. the ability to discern what is good for me, and what is not so good, is not a bad thing either. today i reject the notion that i was tainted because i am human, and need not feel the shame of being born into sin. in fact i reject the notion that i need to be saved from my human condition by divine intervention and that my reward, will be given to me, after i shuffle off this mortal coil. what arises out of that assertion is that i can and will seek the next right thing, for its sake only and move along, just for today.

∞ DT ∞