Blog entry for:

i would not returned to such a state of desperation.as i have had to work STEPS SIX and SEVEN more than once, and learn to apply them in my daily life, i would say that this is a lifelong process, over which i have very little control. i DO NOT subscribe to the one set of steps then perfectly working 10, 11 and 12 theory of recovery. for me, it did not work. that is not to say that someday i may get healthy enough to practice recovery in that manner, and my experience in the past may have been a bad one because i was still too sick to move into that recovery mode. be that as it may, i understand what the reading is talking about today, which by the way MAY JUST BE THE DAY. i GET that i am as powerless over my defects of character as i am over my addiction. being the power freak that i am, i NEED to discover where my power, if any happens to exist in these matters. the reading explicitly states that on place where i do have power is in the act of letting go. in fact STEPS SIX and SEVEN talk about letting go and surrendering my defects of character and the shortcomings that arise for those defects.
having been through the steps more than once, i also know there are a few more places contained in STEPS SIX and SEVEN where i can exercise my limited power, and those opportunities arise only because i have a POWER outside of me that fuels my recovery. that POWER gives me the power to CHOOSE my actions and to step back an make that choice, instead of instantly reacting, that POWER provides me the tools to let go of the behaviors that are so comfortably ensconced within me, by CHOOSING to listen for ITS guidance and actually applying what i FEEL in my moment to moment life. i am more than the sum total of my character defects today, although that was not true when i walked into the rooms. yes, i chose to act out on one my character defects yesterday, and added more explanation than was necessary. i felt the NEED to justify the why and how of a decision i made, instead of letting everyone know, that is what i felt. it is true that i arrived at that particular decision with very little thought, for what feels like the first time, i was capable of letting go of all the crap my defective character came up with and make a decision based on my intuition. it was only afterward that i had to delve into the causes and conditions, because of course, just because it felt right for me, does not actually mean it is right, why, why why…
well today, after deciding about a few other things, i am working on HOW to apply those decisions rather than why i made them. i am moving into a new paradigm of my recovery, and although i have been flirting with this for some time now, the sponse has suggested that i actually give it a try, so here i sit, trying to take that leap of FAITH and letting go of the outcomes. for this control freak, that is not easy, no matter how simple it may be. so the next right thing? i do believe it is time to go out for a quick run and allow my mind and body to clear what is needs to be cleared, then see where this day needs to go.

∞ DT ∞