Blog entry for:

my defects any more than i can control my addiction. i could go down this whole control gig path, as i often do. better yet, the defective character may not be a bad path to head down either, what i heard this morning was a bit different than any of that, what i heard this morning was about letting go and letting something or someone else do the job that they are better suited to do. of course i could try and control my defects of character and my shortcomings, and i chuckle when i hear a grand-sponsee of mine saying he does just that, even though he has yet to work step one. i find myself in that situation from time to time, believing that i have some control there. what i do not seem to want to let go of, however, is not the illusion of control i think i have, it is those very defects themselves. after all, they must have served some purpose in my survival to this point, and how do i know that i no longer need them. so that is what separates the men for the boys, when i reach the spot where i am beyond my ability to do anything, i need to move into FAITH. it is FAITH that provides me the necessary tools to let go of the very things that make me cringe with embarrassment when i act-out upon them. it is FAITH that allows me to become entirely ready to have those defects removed. most importantly it is FAITH that allows me to surrender to a POWER beyond my understanding but readily available to me nevertheless. all of that goes to the heart of what i heard this morning,my life has elements of power and more often than not elements of total and complete powerlessness. the serenity prayer gives me the clue about what to do, and finding that wisdom takes time. just reciting it, like some sort of mantra is fairly useless to me, as i have given up on the magic of chanting and repeating this and that. no what i need to do is APPLY the words to my current life in the here in now. character defects are one of those things i have thew wisdom to realize are beyond my control and my power. what power i do have in this instance is the choice whether of not to act upon them. i have that choice because i am learning to live the steps, not just pay lip service to them. with a little more practice, i may be able to be a bit better at that task today than i was yesterday. if i get a better at applying the process to my moment by moment life i have the opportunity to make the same choice tomorrow.
so will i let go of the notion i can control my character defects? well that answer is yes, right now, but give me a few minutes and lets see what happens. so off to hit the road, hopefully the cable guy will not get here until after i run.

∞ DT ∞