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or behind a wall of seeming indifference, the result, at least for me is the same, a boring and empty existence. realistically, most of my peers, can detect my character defects far better than i can, and pretending that those defects do not exist, is just one more fantasy that i attempted to live for far too long.
yesterday i wrote about the envy i felt when my peers could act in ways that i may judge to be “shady” and inconsistent with the spiritual principles. as i sat with one of the men who call me their sponsor last night, it came to me that what envy certainly may be my reaction, what was really going on, was regret over making a choice not to live in a state of conflict with those principles. it boils down down to, “they can and i won't.” i have the DESIRE to sink to my lowest and most base behaviors and i have the DESIRE to live the principles that guide my life. these two DESIRES conflict on so many levels that i react by “hating on ” my peers who appear to be acting out on theirs. it is my interpretation of what i think i see them doing, that is the issue and my regret at no longer being willing to do what i THINK they are doing.
today, as i sat for the very short time, i could sit, what i heard was that in my life, there is enough that needs to be addressed and it is my infatuation with the fantasy that i am some sort of spiritual adept, that is interfering with that progress. it is true, that as a part of my last set of steps i had a deep and very moving spiritual awakening, but that was a process and far from an event. i keep looking at my life as a chain of events, rather than a melange of interacting processes, that manifest their effects as “events.” as i walk forward through today, figuratively and literally, i think i will remember that i did not arrive at this place, overnight and only by letting go of fantasy and regret will i continue to become that much better tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞