Blog entry for:

that i am totally defective. under no circumstances, would i want my fellow addicts to know about my inadequacies.
as i sit here writing this morning, i realize, that perhaps i have a bit more time in the morning, than i used to. we will see as this week progresses i and get into my newest paradigm. reinvention day one, is about to start and of course this reading is all about how i can often feel like a defective character and do whatever i can to either rid myself of those traits i see as undesirable or act on one of the most familiar, namely hiding them to maintain appearances of being something i am not. well i know what i am, that is a just another human being who happens to be a recovering addict. like all other human beings, i have my quirks of behavior, my neuroses and those little nothings that may or may not drive someone else crazy. fortunately, being an addict seem to magnify all of that far beyond their real effect and i get to allow a HIGHER POWER to remove or diminish all of those traits that appear undesirable to me and the world around me. what i have noticed, however, is that their removal does not necessarily mean that they are truly removed. what i see is a transformation from undesirable into some trait or characteristic that is desirable and healthy for me. i think this is just the reverse process that turned these traits into defects in the first place. being focused certainly became obsession. being able to persevere became stubbornness. as the process of turning these and many more defects of character becomes engrained in me, i see the transformation of myself from the man i was, into the man i want to be, for the first time in my life, the man i want to be is not perfect, nor does he even look perfect from this vantage point. he is no longer a delusion born of fantasy but a reality slowly emerging from the shes of the addict who was. the journey towards that goal is the salient fact these days, not that destination. unlike chasing a rainbow, i know there is no pot of gold, and even though i know i will never be that man in reality, i can willingly continue to do what i need to do, to foster my metamorphosis into that man.
as circular as that reasoning sounds, right here and right now it makes perfect sense to me, as well as my need to hop in the shower and get ready to let Reason To Drive chauffeur me down to Denver. it is a good day to be clean and today, as i meet those new people that will be my life for the next six months i can and will let go of who i think they may want me to be, and just be myself and see what happens. i will not live by default and i will use the power that is given to me, to further my journey along the path of becoming the man i want to be.

∞ DT ∞