Blog entry for:

ironically, hiding my inadequacies does not apply to this space. here i am very open about what i feel, how i act and react to the stimuli around me, and where i happen to be on any given day. out in the real world, not so much. 😏 today, i am in an okay place, even though i am working to take care of what i messed up on Thursday evening. i still have the DESIRE to take care of myself by attending my home group meeting and pounding the concrete to accomplish getting my miles in, BUT there are all sorts of constraints on what i can do and when and IF i will get to take care of myself today. it is a good thing that there are several hours in each day, and i am willing to flex my plan just a little bit. that is a gift of living a program to the best of my ability and certainly nothing i seem to have born to do.
as i “listened” this morning, the same notion came popping off the top of the stack, which speaks to my inability to accept that my plans may need to change and that the outcomes are not always as i had envisioned them to be. rolling down that highway, i can see that i am a whole lot better than i used to be, but far from being duck-like and allowing stuff to roll off my back. what i also heard was that i need not wail, gnash my teeth and scream of forgiveness and penance, just because i react in a manner that has been my default for decades on end. as much as i may find the cliché distasteful, this morning it is an apt one, that i am a work in progress and not anywhere close to achieving perfection. paraphrasing, save me bacon every time i want to dive into an over-used excuse. it helps me to believe that i am better than having to pound the slogans, bon mots and clichés.
with a little over an hour before my home group starts and a bit of time while i allow the jobs that failed last night to complete, i get a minute of FREEDOM to breathe and get ready for what may come. i have feedback from those who manage the tool of what i did wrong on Thursday night and i certainly have some time to get my “ducks in a row,” so i am not tied to work, all day long. for whatever reason, this morning i feel an aura of serenity and maybe the ability to deal with the stuff that comes raining down on my head. i may not be the “master” of my domain today, but i can master my recovery and allow myself the FREEDOM to live it.

∞ DT ∞