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but the fact is, holding on is a lot of work. when i really think about what i am holding onto, the effort just is not worthwhile.
yet i still persist, guess that is just another part of the human package that i am. the whole trip of this reading is that it does not have to remain part and parcel of the package. holding on to avoid the unknown entity of change is just another defect or shortcoming. so i i let go of holding on, chances are that i will not have to hold on anymore. what a twisted path that can become, and by looking down and around tat anymore, all i do is exercise yet another shortcoming, complicating really simple concepts beyond all recognition, so i can pretend i do not understand and say it is beyond my ability to even try.
so here i write about my defects and mu shortcomings, as i have been writing over the past few weeks, and yet i still resist the process that i started the last time i worked this particular pair of steps. and you know why? not because i am afraid of the work involved, rather because i am afraid of what the outcome will be! it has been my experience, that if i let go, i do get better, and i have always been p[leased with the results of the process up to this point. the catch for me now is that i have some time clean, i have scraped away the ugly surface crap that was evident in my early recovery and now am dealing with some issues that feel close to who i think i am and how i see myself. and although that image is not something i need to hang on to, it is all that i know, and i fear the process of education.
so for this silly addict, holding on is all about fear, and fear is all about not exercising FAITH, and the only place holding on to who i was will lead me is back to active addiction. so for me, at least for today, i will do my best to let myself be what i cannot imagine and see what happens!

∞ DT ∞