Blog entry for:

ANYONE to know about my inadequacies. it is quite true, one of the most persistent of my character defects is my desire to look better than i am. i want to be perceived as the finished product of my recovery journey and not some work in process. letting go is not the problem for me, i am moire than willing to let go of these bothersome defects of character. no the problem is allowing myself to show them to others, so they can offer me, the assistance i NEED to have the desire to really let them go.
all of my life, i was taught, cultured and socialized into appearing to be something i was not. before i start sounding like a martyr, because there is more than a touch of victim-hood in that last statement, that is just the way it is, i accept that today. active addiction took all of those lessons and polished them into a very neat and nice package of behaviors, as it warped the original usefulness of that training into something sick and twisted. walking into the rooms, and spending twenty months being something i was not, did not help me move forward out of that finely honed cluster of behaviors, even though i had worked twelve steps, been to in-patient and out-patient treatment, jail and a psychiatrist. nope, all of that just made me more certain, that appearing to be something i was not, was the correct and true path for me, after all, i now had some friends, people were starting to trust me and i was about to buy my very first house, so what could be possibly wrong with what and who i was at that time? as i came to see, just about everything, as my life took a turn on to the path i have been a devotee of for quite some time, i realized that who i am is becoming more important that than the eminent front i had created. i could go on, but i have some stops to make before i head over to work. hopefully what is happening there is minor and i will make it over to work on time, if not? well that will also be part of the plan for today. being real? yeah, sounds good on paper, maybe today as i walk through my day i can allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to bolster the courage i NEED to let go and allow that to happen.

∞ DT ∞