Blog entry for:

although, over the past few days, i have had more than a few disturbing ones, thought, that is. listening for what is going on, i am stymied, and perhaps, i need to take my own suggestion and stop over-thinking everything. this time of year always gets to me, for a variety of reasons: the holidays, the days getting shorter and colder, and my obsession with the depiction of use of substances on commercial TV. part of me says yes, i am grateful for having serenity and clarity in my life and if i write a gratitude list, the first thing on the list is another day clean and the opportunity to do something to enhance my active program of recovery. HOWEVER, the part of me i call addiction, is continually whining about is this all there is? that is the part that is the loudest this morning and that is the part i am having trouble quieting.
that is the clue i need to move forward today, i am trying to impose my will on the part of me that i am powerless over. i am trying to quiet the unquenchable part of me, and i am forgetting that i already asked for that power today from the POWER that fuels my recovery, so why the fVck am i trying to take over again. as well as i am becoming, that part of me is still as sick as ever, and like the SIXTH STEP, it is not my job to counter it.
that is such a spooky thought for me right now and one that is denying me the HOPE i need to get up, grab a shower and start doing what i need to do. after all, if i fail to accomplish everything i set out to do today, it provides that much more evidence to the argument, that this whole recovery gig is just a phase, in a life of uncontrollable use. OR if i dig a bit deeper, that my use, was what set me up for a bit of HOPE and a life beyond my wildest dreams. as sit, i know what is going on, i am hearing the echoes of the character defect that all of my shortcomings seem to stem from, namely, that if i am not the best, than i am not good enough and why should i bother? i am approaching the jumping off point and the part of me that is the addict inside, is fighting with the part of me that desires recovery and the opportunity to be better than i am today. that war, mostly quiet, most of the time, always seems to kick into high gear when i am about to move forward in the process, surrender and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do ITs job, once again.
as i write that, i feel something different, my FEAR is being replaced by a sense of HOPE and a feeling that i am moving in the right direction, today.
so yes i will get some work done, and yes i will go watch the Broncos with a friend and yes i will go to a meeting and most importantly i will remember that affirmations may be a wonderful tool, but if i surrender to my character defects, each and every one of them, i can reach a place where i will invite the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove them. it is a great day to be clean

∞ DT ∞