Blog entry for:

of well-being and contentment with how the world is spinning, just for right now. ah, the world famous take two, because i am trying to do more than one thing at a time. great work, when i can find it, but certainly not exactly where i wanted to go. no crying over fat fingers this morning and football can wait. instead of whining about a take three, i decided to allow my new computer to restart and i saved this beginning away.
it is true, that effects of meditation upon my general well-being are certainly ones i find pleasurable. in my world, what i find as pleasurable i call positive, hence meditation has a positive effect on my life. the sense of contentment i have achieved lately can not be attributed to living in the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as i often do not live in that will. i still control and manipulate the events in my life and make choices that lead to less than pleasurable consequences. case in point, the new computer i got yesterday. it is true my old one was dying and needed to be replaced before it caught fire and burned down the house. did that purchase need to be made this weekend? not by a long shot although i did get a screaming deal. a little bit of good in the bout of self-will and i GET to stop worrying about when i am going to lose all the digital treasures i have accumulated. the pain will be when the bill arrives, and that to, will be more than manageable.
sitting here this morning and wondering when i will have to prove that i no longer use nicotine is still a major concern, as today is my last day, until after the first test. as much as i would love to hang out on Tuesday afternoon with my smokin' buddies, i need to make sure that my system is cleared out. it also means that i will have to be a bit more diligent about getting a hard workout done every day this week. distance and effort needs to increase and that is a pleasurable consequence of my choices, as i like the way that i am beginning to look and feel. the other benefit is that if i concentrate and am present of my effort, i get to sneak in another session of finding the stillness inside. if i think about gait and pace, i slip into meditation. i hear my breathing, i feel my heartbeat and i can sense the world around me, as i drift through it.
am i content every single minute of every single day? not be a long shot, the cynic that is part of me, does not allow that to happen. i do not, however, walk through the day, wondering when the other show will drop and what disaster is waiting around the next bend. where once i lived in panic about being uncovered as a fraud, i now live in the surety that when one looks they will see that i am quite human and doing my best to be a little bit better person. i have come far since those first days, and still have quite a ways to go. i am uncertain about what the future holds for me, but just for today, i can be okay with whatever happens across the course of the rest of today.

∞ DT ∞