ยป i will reflect upon the gift of recovery ยซ
Posted: Mon, Nov 25, 2013 07:43:27 AM
and listen quietly for guidance from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i have said it before and i will repeat myself today, it feels strange to meditate about meditation. since i use the daily reading as my seed for meditation on a daily basis, when i get to these topics, i am more than a bit stumped. instead i will take a different tack, still on point, but a bit tangential.
on mornings like this, what generally fills my meditation sessions, is the voices of my peers being replayed. it does make sense, because that is how i hear the so-called “voice of GOD.” this morning was no exception. the voices that i heard or felt or remembered, were certainly a disparate set. there were some voices from those i respect, some from those i dismiss, but most of them were from my peers who live on the edge. the exists in the twilight between recovery and using, rotating around, unable to commit to one direction or the other. this half-life, as i see it, appears to be a very miserable existence, and when i was in that place, i could certainly entertain that the program was not working for me, and i had ample evidence of the misery staying clean, but not working a program caused me. for me, when i was there, it would have been so much easier to say fVck it, walk away, far away and return to the life of a using addict. it is fortunate for me, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, had an unacceptable consequence for me and that i worked a FEAR based program, because the angular momentum of my recovery orbit was altered and i ended up smack dab in the middle of the correct fellowship, with its single and simple promise: freedom from active addiction. it certainly is distressing how some in that outer orbit, say they loathe the consequences of using, and time and again, end up feeling that very hammer come down on their head. it also amazes me, that how easy it is for those in that position to reach in and take another out with them, not that they are to blame, but…
so with that particular hellish chorus, roil,ling through my quiet time this morning, i left with a feeling of gratitude, that i do not allow myself to drift to far out from center, sure i am at war today, my ego wanting to shout about my altruistic act, take credit for it and spread it far and wide into the acclaim of my fellow humans. the fact is, that act, is not so far from the norm for me and yet i know that no good deed goes unpunished, so practicing random and anonymous acts of kindness need not be acknowledged to have power. when i allow myself, to humbly view my life i can and will see that doing the next right thing, is not something i have to work at these days, it is just something i need to allow myself the freedom to do. the chorus reminds me of where i could be and also tells me how i can get there, judgement by judgement, i spin further and further from the center, so i just need to check where my feet are, and move along into work, at least today. it is a good day to be clean and i certainly will do my best to be the best Don, recovering addict and all, i can be. to let go of my internal struggles, write my step out and be present for the world around me. it is a great day to be in the center of the pack.
on mornings like this, what generally fills my meditation sessions, is the voices of my peers being replayed. it does make sense, because that is how i hear the so-called “voice of GOD.” this morning was no exception. the voices that i heard or felt or remembered, were certainly a disparate set. there were some voices from those i respect, some from those i dismiss, but most of them were from my peers who live on the edge. the exists in the twilight between recovery and using, rotating around, unable to commit to one direction or the other. this half-life, as i see it, appears to be a very miserable existence, and when i was in that place, i could certainly entertain that the program was not working for me, and i had ample evidence of the misery staying clean, but not working a program caused me. for me, when i was there, it would have been so much easier to say fVck it, walk away, far away and return to the life of a using addict. it is fortunate for me, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, had an unacceptable consequence for me and that i worked a FEAR based program, because the angular momentum of my recovery orbit was altered and i ended up smack dab in the middle of the correct fellowship, with its single and simple promise: freedom from active addiction. it certainly is distressing how some in that outer orbit, say they loathe the consequences of using, and time and again, end up feeling that very hammer come down on their head. it also amazes me, that how easy it is for those in that position to reach in and take another out with them, not that they are to blame, but…
so with that particular hellish chorus, roil,ling through my quiet time this morning, i left with a feeling of gratitude, that i do not allow myself to drift to far out from center, sure i am at war today, my ego wanting to shout about my altruistic act, take credit for it and spread it far and wide into the acclaim of my fellow humans. the fact is, that act, is not so far from the norm for me and yet i know that no good deed goes unpunished, so practicing random and anonymous acts of kindness need not be acknowledged to have power. when i allow myself, to humbly view my life i can and will see that doing the next right thing, is not something i have to work at these days, it is just something i need to allow myself the freedom to do. the chorus reminds me of where i could be and also tells me how i can get there, judgement by judgement, i spin further and further from the center, so i just need to check where my feet are, and move along into work, at least today. it is a good day to be clean and i certainly will do my best to be the best Don, recovering addict and all, i can be. to let go of my internal struggles, write my step out and be present for the world around me. it is a great day to be in the center of the pack.
∞ DT ∞