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have to fear my own thoughts. regardless of how some of my peers may present addiction and its affect on them, i have come a very long way from the notion that my every first thought is wrong. i see it all around me and certainly within myself, that escape from the drudgery of having my whole world colored by addiction, to it fading into the background. i am certain the argument i will get from those same peers, is that i am in denial about my “disease.” i am fully aware of addiction and its affect upon me. taking that into account, which i can do these days, i see that most of the time, even with my mental, emotional and spiritual handicap aka addiction, i do have thoughts and ideas that are correct, right form the start. i can easily see why some members can believe that they have outgrown recovery and shuffle off to something different, such as enjoying the life they were given, by that recovery program.
for me, i can see how easily i could slip into that sort of thinking trap. after all, my desire to use, has long been lifted. idle thoughts about using and using dreams are rare occurrences, and i am not “triggered” by simulated use in mass media. if i was to juts consider the removal of the symptoms of addiction from my life, i could quite easily say that i have “recovered,” so where the fVck is my certificate and let's fire up a big spliff in celebration!
that is all the evidence i need. when i am centered in my program, in touch as it were, with the POWER that fuels my recovery and myself, the idiocy of that sort of thinking is evident. i choose not to comment on what others may or may not be thinking, but for me, doing what i have done, including being present and sharing at meetings on holidays, is an important part of my day to day existence. the only foil i possess to the insanity of addiction is the program and the connection i have been able to develop to that POWER that fuels my recovery. i can easily see the insanity in: “may i have an heart attack please,” but i can delude myself when i think that somehow i have got this “licked.” there may not be a “small, quiet voice” inside of me, but there is certainly a connection to something more, no matter what label i choose to put upon IT. knowing what to do in any given situation is something i am learning how to “feel” and not something that i just “know.”
all of this is what i am about today. it certainly is not “advanced” recovery, it it is more than just staying clean NO Matter What. the steps and my program of recovery have lifted me from the morass of active addiction, but the sanity i have had restored is a gift to be cherished, nourished and given away. the actions i take daily, including sitting quietly and listening are what sustains that gift and allows me to become more than i ever dreamed possible. there are certainly days when i feel that i put too much into sustaining my recover and contemplate stepping out into a life that is like the other 85% of the human race. perhaps i could get more if i did less, however, i am stubborn enough to not have to play that sort of game with what i have been given. for me recovery is my lifestyle, and everything else just needs to fit into that framework.
in the middle of this very long weekend, i get to CHOOSE to go to a meeting, hang with my cohorts, friend and peers and be something more than just another junkie. today i get to thrive and it is that connection that i touch at least twice a day, that allows me the creative freedom to move beyond the mundane and accept a life beyond my wildest dreams. this addict never had the resources in active addiction, financially, emotionally or spiritually, to see the world in a way that both amazes and disgusts me. i can survive and thrive, thanks to the connections i have developed since that first day, i finally decided that my problem was me, and not the world around me.

∞ DT ∞