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is something i think about all the time these days. as i become more confident in who i am and the direction my life is going, i still stumble back into the FEAR of having my cover blown. it is ironic that as i was thinking about this, i got a piece of spam telling my computer had been hacked and to send fourteen hundred and fifty dollars of bitcoin to prevent the hacker from releasing videos of my pleasuring myself, while watching porn. i just had to laugh, as i do not have a camera attached to my computer and the password they provided as “proof” was one i stopped using over a decade ago, so it certainly came from a data breach at some website i once frequented. oh yeah, i stopped watching porn when i first got clean, as i found that it was making me sicker than i already was. each and every time i get one of these e-mails, i just laugh and laugh and laugh at how idiotic they assume that i am. it does however go to the point of what i pondered this morning as an alternative to meditating about meditation, which was the gift of recovery.
as i sat and listened after the dawg decided it was time for her to get and go at four forty-five this morning, i “heard” a familiar theme, specifically that it was more than okay for me to go with the flow and allow myself the freedom to just be who i happen to be. that someone is an addict in recovery who no longer believes that he is not worth being who he really is. many around me may not get that notion that i value relationships that are two way streets, with give and take and am no longer willing to chase down ghosts. for some that means the daily calls that are never returned just stop without explanation. for others it means that i become more actively involved with interactions between us. i no longer instantly forgive and forget huge slights and disrespect, without saying something, as i am worth more than ignoring the shit some may pitch at me. i also will not tolerate being manipulated or used, for any reason. as i move into the latest and greatest version of myself, i find that i need to temper my assertiveness from time to time, before i cross over into being aggressive. that happens to be behavior i am well practiced in and even better at hiding it under the label of being “passionate,” when it is actually being a bully.
today, i do not need to reach out and pound someone for what they may or may not have done to me. today, i do not need to be a victim of what others may think of me. today, just for today, i can expand my conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery and be present enough to see the opportunities that POWER puts into my life.

∞ DT ∞