Blog entry for:

**the God within me** and see that i am in harmony with a POWER greater than myself. well day two of a four day stretch of not going down to an office in Denver and i am already at my wit's ends. well not really. today i have some other work to do, and actually get ahead on. it looks like a day in a smoke-filled room, looking busy, accomplishing very little but just enough to feel like…
the reading however, reminds me that i am who i am, and when i allow myself to see the POWER within, i can transcend all the silliness and chaos that the addict within,. wishes me to be a part of. yes, i could have been more present yesterday for my family, i was more than a bit out of it. that as the only thing that came up in my inventory last night, so today, i am moving forward with that notion to see what i can do.
it always feel so strange to meditate on the daily reading, when the topic happens to be meditation. i could jump on the cheerleader bandwagon and scream about how much this practice has helped me. it has! i could spout bumper stickers such as “GOD did not make any sh!t,” to parrot the obvious about the reading. i am not in the mood to either of those, but they both go to a theme that has been playing itself out lately in my head. namely what i am really worth? why am i valuable enough to be offered the opportunity to be more than i ever imagined, through a program of recovery? the former question is easy, i am worth exactly what every other human walking the planet today is worth. my value is just being here, and my job is to maximize my value by being here and doing the next right thing, no matter what.
the latter? well that is the crux of the dilemma these days. my concept of the POWER that fuels my recovery does not explicitly allow for fate or destiny, so getting the chance to be here has to be some sort of cosmic fluke. i mean why me, and not the millions of others that comprise the 15% of the human population who are addicts, just like me. honestly, i knew nothing about recovery before i was thrust upon this scene as my only alternative to maintain my freedom. i just used, without any constrains and without any further vision than the next time i could feel that chemical bliss of numb oblivion. truthfully, when i first glimpsed the horizon of my life expanding beyond that NEED, it scared me SH!TLESS. what does this have to do with meditation? well, for me, that quiet time, allow the horizon to narrow down to something i can handle, just for today, with a road map of where i am going tomorrow. that glimpse of THE PLAN, is just what i can handles, and i am grateful that i need not fret and worry about what is over the horizon of tomorrow, after all, i have grown just enough FAITH, to accept that it will be just what i need and nothing more.
anyhow, i need to jump in the shower and head on out, it is a good day to recover and i have family coming in from out of town that i need to get ready for. it is a great day to be clean and have a vision of who i may become.

∞ DT ∞