Blog entry for:

to be myself was never something that i thought i HAD to attain, after all, i thought i was always myself, even through the years of active addiction. this morning, as i **sat,** it became clear to me, that it is just recently that i have fully embraced this freedom. it is a simple fact of who i am, that FEAR prevented me from allowing myself to be free. i was afraid of being abandoned by my friends and family. i was afraid of not being respected by my peers, if i displayed weakness or vulnerability. most of all, i was afraid of what i would look like to myself, if i ever uncovered who i really was. even when i play the fake humility game, which is a trap i fall into on a very frequent basis, i am still living out the lie of being who i would rather not be.
the other notion that floated to the top of my consciousness this morning was a follow on from what i heard the other night. i GET that one of my peers wants the warmth, comfort and support of the fellowship. i am willing to give them that, at least as far as it goes, but the “catch” that keeps me from allowing myself to do so, is the nature of their reservation. sure, they were certainly honest about how they felt and they can get all sorts of props for that admission. the really big BUT here, at least in my mind, is what level of honesty, when it comes to what i think the fellowship stands for, are they willing to embrace. i can honestly say that when i was first getting clean, i wanted to set up my own rules about what it meant to be a member and to be in “recovery.” i wanted all the gifts of fellowship without having to do the work of putting myself out there and more importantly, admit that i was an addict, in the same sense of the word, used by my peers in recovery. could i have an occasional cocktail or beer? these days, i am pretty sure that i could. would having one or more of them, every now and again lead to consequences that i would find distasteful? i know that it would. the first being my self-image, as of course i would have to live the lie of pretending i was clean, justifying it by saying,“well it is only an occasional beer or three and it is not any worse than that.” once again,. i would be trapped living an image of who i am not and acting as if it is no big thang.
just for today, i think i will go take the dawg out for our last walk outside for a couple of days, deal with my nicotine screening test, report a plant or two and finish binge-watching the series i started the other night. i am grateful that just for today, i can be myself, warts and all, and that i am truly and honestly living a program of recovery to the best of my ability.

∞ DT ∞